Eat My Dust – Letter 6

Dear Mr. Bridgewater,

In reference to the above mentioned complaints, we have investigated your claims and we are passing on our findings as per your request.
13 Days ago your office contacted our department complaining of receiving dozens of disturbing letters from one, Harold Callahan aka. “Silly Sammy Saunders” aka. “Bertrand ‘Godhead’ Russell’ aka. “Valerio de los Olivo” aka “The Devanagari.”

Please note, that many of those restraining orders are several years old and none of Mr. Callahan’s known associates still reside in the Londonderry area or have a similarly long list of aliases, which my men frankly find demeaning to run down.  As a result of being forced to ask friends and neighbors about the whereabouts of men named “Snoophy” and “Professor Lightningbug” morale suffered more than even during the series of “Candyshop Murders” our precinct was investigating in 1998.

An investigation of Mr. Callahan’s last known address revealed an apartment that looked to have been abandoned for some time. Below is an itemized list of our findings:
– 6 Bottles of Ketchup (Unopened)
– 5 Bottles of Mustard (Opened)
– 17 lbs of stuffing presumably from 1 or more plush toy(s) laid out on the kitchen floor
– 1 copy of a manuscript titled Rice Price in A Case of Twice the Lice! With red markings crossed throughout and the word “No!” repeatedly written on the pages therein
– 4 copies of a manuscript titled Scotty the Dogcatcher in Feline the Pinch!
– 8 copies of a manuscript titled Randomhouse in Precise Order: The Max Breyer Story
– 412 copies of a manuscript Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! With the blurb “’The most head-slammingly brilliant book I’ve ever read (and I’ve read a few!)’ – Elliot Bridgewater” written in red ink on the front cover
– 4 threatening collection letter’s from UPS/Kinko’s dated 6 months ago, 5 months ago, 4 months ago and last month with an outstanding balance of $19,462.55.

We have concluded that Mr. Callahan has left town and should be no further bother to you.  We have forwarded the remaining manuscripts to your office and given the tremendous resources we have already devoted to this case consider the matter closed.

Very Sincerely,
Lieutenant Gerald McGerr,
Londonderry Police Department, Domestic Unit

Eat My Dust – Letter 4

Dear Mr. Callahan,

As a person with the amount of fame and fortune as I do, I feel it necessary to assume that your statement, “If you do not accept this copy for publication, I will be forced to take more drastic measures,” is a threat to the lively-hood of myself and my family. To that same effect, the dead crow that came crashing through my dining room window 2 days ago is being considered a threat to my life by the Londonderry police. We are all under the assumption that it is from you because of the word “GOVERNMENT” written in white Sharpee on the bird’s back.

I thought I had made it fantastically clear that you will never, EVER become a published children’s author, ESPECIALLY by Bridgewater Publishing. You just do not have what we in the biz like to call “It.” And by “It,” I mean a shred of talent. Oeihawh 9 in your book Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! is a 95% plagiarism of Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland. For example, all you did was change the first letter of the characters in Wonderland to create their Oeihawh 9 counterparts: The Larch Hare, Pheshire Cat, Aueen of Hearts, etc. How would ANYBODY go about pronouncing Aueen let alone your supposed target “5 ¼ – 7 7/12” age range?

If I were you, Mr. Callahan, I would quit the childrens’ book business immediately and seek some professional help. Do you know what Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and Hitler all had in common? They were all terrible childrens’ book authors. Look at the path you’re taking, Harold. Is this really what you want to be? That’s what I thought.

I urge, nay, I beg you to check yourself into a mental hospital. It will work out so much better for you, me, and my terrified family. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
The Obscenely Talented Elliott Bridgewater

Eat My Dust – Letter 3

To The Very Talented Mr. Elliott Bridgewater,

How I got your home address is none of your concern. You can rest assured that I did it utilizing as few illegal resources as possible.

In your letter, you discuss the previous times I wrote to you with book ideas. The 242 times I wrote about Patrick Porcupine and the Parsnip Predicament may have been a bit overbearing. And I apologize. But ONLY because reading that work now makes me realize it was the work of a much younger man. The 429 times I wrote you concerning Farmer Fred Fasts for Framadan were because I believed this book to be unique and enlightening. I created a holiday to show how anyone, even Farmer Fred — an old racist — can get into the spirit of embracing the new.

Perhaps that was a bit heavy-handed. Although I still think of it as “A Green Eggs and Ham for the New Generation,” as I stated in at least 300 of those letters.

I got the hint from your response that you were not a big fan of Darryl Delamater and Dibby the Dust Bunny in: THE DAY OF DIGRESSION! I have included another draft copy of this brilliant book in case you were accidentally sent a copy with its pages ripped out or something. It’s the only reason I could fathom for you not loving it.

I mean, it’s the story of Darryl Delamater, a little boy who accompanies his single-father to a neighbor’s house to ask for a cup of sugar. Darryl finds a dust bunny named Dibby who is SO ALIVE that the children reading can even feel him (this is why I put real dust bunnies I found in my house into the book). Dibby takes Darryl to a wonderful land of make-believe called Oeihawh 9, hence the Day of Digression!

And as for the thought that I only understand alliteration as a literary device, I point you towards the subtle genius of the character “Government Bird.” The only word he can squawk is “justice.” Government Bird tries to help Dibby show Darryl more about Oeihawh 9, but more often than not ends up taking them down messy and confusing roads that bring them right back to where they were before.

JUST LIKE JUSTICE IN THE GOVERNMENT.

In closing I really believe that you’ll enjoy this copy of my manuscript which I have attached, ensuring that no pages are missing. I also have attached a signed sketch of what I assume will be your new favorite character, Government Bird.

Regards,

– Harold Callahan (Pen Name “Silly Sammy Saunders”)
Government Bird
PS. If you do not accept this copy for publication, I will be forced to take more drastic measures.