Political Party Animals – Letter 10

Janet von Gams,

Well, this is just ridiculous.

Megan Williams was supposed to be on my side, and Brett McGregor was supposed to be on your side. We were supposed to be two feuding political ideologies attempting to brainwash the teenagers in Dorland County.

But clearly Megan and Brett were not fully grasping the magnitude of what we were telling them, because if they were they would hate each other the way you and I do and not have fallen in love. Now they are going to the prom TOGETHER and from what I’ve been hearing in the hallways they’re likely to win King and Queen.

Megan tells me that she kept eying Brett at all our rallies and that they hooked up one night at Steve’s party and now they’re a hot item. UGH!

Well, this is why I’m suggesting we fight fire with fire, Ms. Markowitz. Despite the fact that you make me want to throw up all over myself like some drunken teenager who found his parents’ liquor cabinet at a house party he threw while they were out of town, I think we’re going to have to go to the prom together.

We’re going to have to remind these kids that they have to listen to us because Stryker PecsNabs and Janet von Gams are the two coolest d00dz in the school…despite the fact that we’re really middle-aged and using pseudonyms.

But, this doesn’t mean I want you spewing your ideology. Your stupid, stupid ideology. But, in order to be able to say what I want to say and rile these kids into a life of hard work with little reward at a factory I one day wish to own, I’m going to have to compromise and let you give your dumb speech about how you should aim high and believe in yourself and all that bullshit.

So, it’s on. My only request is that you have to make sure you look smokin’ hot. None of that hippie garbage you usually wear. I’ll pick you up Thursday at 7 and we’ll get you a great prom dress. I know a place.

Get ready to win these kids back into the palms of our manipulative hands!

– Stryker PecsNabs

Political Party Animals – Letter 8

Ms. Markowitz (aka Janet von Gams),

Listen, your super-senior High-School secret identity is ridiculous. Totally not as “rockin” as mine: Stryker PecsNabs. SO much cooler! Both on paper and in the hallways (where it truly counts!). This is why I was disturbed yesterday when “Stryker” was in English class and Megan Williams passed me the note I’ve transcribed below:

MEGAN
sup hottie ;) LOL

STRYKER
Profits, babe. Profits are up.

MEGAN
LOL. ??

STRYKER
I’m just sayin that businesses are cool.

MEGAN
LOL y? dads run those.

STRYKER
That’s a misconception. They’re run by successful tycoons who are SEXY and may or may not be vampiric.

MEGAN
Twilight is soooooo lame LOL

STRYKER
Most tycoons are not vampiric and they also find it lame. You have a lot in common with them. You should think about hanging out with a few prominent industrialists. Really absorb all of their beliefs. Speaking of absorbtion, did you read that copy of Atlas Shrugged I let you borrow?

MEGAN
dat book is sooooooo long LOL u srsly read it?

STRYKER
Every word. It really helps you sort out your life by showing you that society needs wealthy holier-than-thou business owners. Some, such as myself, are destined to be just that. Others should spend their lives wanting nothing more than to work in factories without unionized labor or labor laws. And all who reject this belief are just infected with the Red Plague

MEGAN
LOL ?? red plague??lol

STRYKER
Red is the color of hate (and Commies). The Red Plague describes those individuals who try to live out of their means. Out of the means of neo-tycoonism. We should call out these people publicly and exile them to a land far far away. Don’t you agree?

MEGAN
wuteva LOL u goin 2 prom wit som1??

STRYKER
I’m a lonely and therefore cool drifter, babe. I can not make any strong commitments one way or the other which is why my sex appeal skyrockets like my stocks. The only thing I can commit to is that once school is over, I am DEFINITELY going to spend my life working in a factory. Isn’t that just the coolest? Isn’t that SO much cooler than college? Obviously the answer is yes. STRYKER OUT!

MEGAN
LOL christine said u r goin wit dat new chick janet

STRYKER
Janet is a whore. Also, she told Brian Lee the other day that Labor Unions help the working man and that the dream of Universal Health Care must be made into an American reality. Whatever you do, don’t listen to her slutty lies.

MEGAN
u 2 r so much alike LOL. U alwyz tlk bout dat stuff.

STRYKER
We are NOTHING alike! I am cool and she is just some stupid jerkface!

MEGAN
sounds lik u lik her LOL ;)

STRYKER
I do NOT like her. I enjoy snowy mornings, hot cocoa, and a wealthy tycoon lifestyle. I hate those infected by The Red Plague, such as Janet.

MEGAN
LOL watevs. u kno there votin u 2 prom king n queen tho rite? LOL

At this point the bell rang and I had to get to biology class since Mr. Vanguard told me if I was late once more I’d have to stay after school. But WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?!? Did “Janet” tell Christine that she likes “Stryker” and wants to take him to prom?!? If so, Stryker is DEFINITELY not interested.

But regardless of his/my lack of interest in bringing you to the prom, once we started posing as older-yet-still-senior high school students, these kids started falling in love with us. Now they apparently want us to be together. Makes sense, we’re the two coolest “kids” in the school now. But I am SO not going to the prom with you. The prom is my chance to be voted King so that I can deliver a speech so inspiring that all the high school students will quit right then and there and embrace a poverty-stricken late-1800s lifestyle.

And I’m certainly not going to let you ruin that moment by giving some terrible speech about your asinine beliefs. So stop spreading rumors!

I should go and finish this Spanish homework. God, who would have thought being middle-aged and going back to High School under the guise that you’re a cool teenager would be this much WORK?

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby