The Open Road – Letter 15

Mr. Miller,

Well, we did it. 2 Days after shooting ended, Danny and I revealed our true identities to the star-studded Hollywood cast and crew of our movie trucKING Royalty. Danny took off his long blond wig and Orlando-Bloom-as-Legolas attire, and I simply stated that despite my mustache, I am not Burt Reynolds.

They stared for a minute in awe, then Martin Scorsese said “Well, I appreciate the amount of moxie and acting expertise needed to pretend to be a talented actor for the entire length of a shoot.” Robert Redford then came over to us and shook our hands, saying “I know the feeling.” He then winked and slipped me a piece of paper that he started scribbling on as we exposed our true identities.

They said for us all to take 15. Danny and I walked out of the room and opened up the folded piece of paper Mr. Redford gave us. I’ve attached it so you can see for yourself

Danny and I spent most of the 15 trying to decipher the handwriting. And we’re pretty sure it says that THEY are also impersonating celebrities and that trucKING Royalty was going to be edited into a porno!

I actually thought this was pretty hot, and was only upset that they didn’t just ask if we wanted to make it a porno in the first place. That would’ve been one wild ride that I’d’ve taken part in!

But Danny…holy shit that kid was pissed off. He stormed right back into the room and punched the fake Martin Scorsese in the face! That guy was down for the count. Then he stood menacingly over him and said “You don’t RUIN buddy flicks by making them more about sex and less about the growth of a platonic bond between two characters. You’ve besmirched the good name of Hollywood with your sleaze!” Then he spit on the the guy, stared down the rest of the room, and walked out.

I followed him out. And while I would’ve been game for having sex with smokin’ hot ladies in the porno, I had to hand it to the kid, he stood up for what he believed in. And there’s nothing more admirable than that.

“Robert Redford” walked out and told us that his real name was Mark Allensburg. He said that he exposed the situation to us because he truly believed in trucKING Roylaty. He said that the people we were working with had connections with someone actually employed at the movie studio we broke into. They got a hold of our script and sent it over to these scammers who just wanted to do a porno based on people impersonating Hollywood celebs (apparently they “knew” the whole time? I don’t know if I believe that). He presented a card for their organization called “WildChilds: we put the WOOD in Hollywood.”

Witty, I must say. But Danny still wasn’t about to play any games. He demanded to know who the head boss was of the WildChilds. He rattled off a list of what he planned on doing to the guy; and after some threats of physical violence were delivered Mark’s way, he fessed up that it was an Alan Miller from Miami, Florida.

Alan. We’ve known each other for a damn long time. So many years you’ve helped me out, so I am going to say one thing: if you are the same Alan Miller that heads up the WildChilds and screwed with Danny and his dream movie…be prepared to feel his wrath. He went completely batshit when he heard the name, and now we’re about to board a plane back to Miami.

I suggest getting the hell out of there before it’s too late.

– Eddie

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The Open Road – Letter 14

Mr. Miller,

Good news! We’ve officially wrapped shooting for our cinema masterpiece,  trucKING Royalty! Earlier today, we completed the heart-warming ending when the audience thinks that I get shot in the heart by the crazy bad guy (played by Seth Green). Just after Eddie kills Seth, he runs over to me and cries out, “Curse you, bad guy, and curse this wild and reckless trucking lifestyle! Trucking killed my Danny… MY FRIEND!” It’s extremely touching and probably Oscar worthy. Then, as Eddie begins to pick me up to take me into the truck, I START COUGHING AND COMING BACK TO LIFE!

Eddie looks at me with astonishment – he saw me get shot in the chest! How could I have possibly survived that? Well, it turns out the bullet hit THE KEYS TO THE TRUCK IN MY FRONT SHIRT POCKET! How is that for a creative and totally-never-used-before plot twist? Trucking didn’t kill his Danny, trucking saved his Danny! I tell Eddie, “Come on, let’s go get some bacon and Natty Ice… on me,” which is a pun because earlier in the movie Eddie punches me and pours beer all over me (a moment of amazing improvisation by Eddie). We then hop into Barbara (obviously played by another truck with way more flame decals) and drive off into the sun set.

I’m pretty positive that we’re guaranteed AT LEAST Best Film if Mr. Scorsese holds his end of the bargain and adds more explosions and gun fights.

Tomorrow’s wrap party should be pretty exciting. I know Eddie is worried that we’ll be black-listed from Hollywood once we reveal our true identities, but I couldn’t imagine anyone being mad. If anything, they would probably appreciate the amount of moxie and acting expertise needed to pretend to be a talented actor for the entire length of a shoot (it worked for the entirety of Ben Affleck’s career – HO! ZING!).

We’ll let you know how the party works out. Tell Dad that Mr. Redford said that his role is “the most challenging yet ultimately most satisfying role he’s ever had the pleasure of portraying.”

-Danny

The Open Road – Letter 13

Mr. Miller,

Shooting is going well on trucKING Royalty. As Danny mentioned to you in his last letter, we only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting — the rest will be filled with action sequences and dramatic monologues.

I should say that I only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting. Since everyone still believes me to be Burt Reynolds, they’ve told me that a man of my “caliber” doesn’t need to worry about drama or action. a Stunt Double will fill in for the latter, and the former isn’t a part of my character’s shtick.

Danny on the other hand (or, “Orlando Bloom” I should say) is thought of as a “young go-getter” on the Hollywood scene. And due to his inclusion in the Lord of the Rings films, everyone expects a lot from him. Danny’s been jumping off trucks and dodging explosions, while I kick back in my trailer enjoying a 6-pack of Natty Ice and the most elegant bacon you’ve ever indulged in.

There is, however, one problem. When we mentioned getting paid in wads of cash for the film, our producer just laughed and said “obviously your payment will be directly deposited into the bank accounts we have on file for you guys.”

I believe that this means that one morning the REAL Burt Reynolds and Orlando Bloom will wake up to having a huge paycheck deposited into their checking accounts, and Eddie and Danny right here will leave Hollywood just the same as they entered it.

Danny’s not too worried about this, since his father already gives him a steady supply of cash each week. But I don’t have any such luck. And as you recall, we sent my beautiful truck Barbara up the coast to Seattle with our payload — so there goes that paycheck.

I’m not too sure how to solve this problem, but I’ve been thinking about punching someone. Danny has a different plan: the last day of shooting is very soon, and he says that he plans on having us rip off our disguises and show everyone who is working on the film the real Danny and Eddie. He claims they’ll have no option but to respect us and make us the Hollywood stars we deserve to be given trucKING Royalty‘s brilliance in the light-hearted buddy-flick genre.

I don’t know if his plan is going to work yet, but by the next time we speak, the shit will have already hit the fan, for better or worse. I’m not too sure when shit hitting a fan is for the best, but I’m hoping that this will be the first time that analogy works in a positive manner.

Wish us luck, you old dog, you.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 11

Mr. Miller,

Well, Danny and I decided that we had to go with Plan B: sneak into the studio and replace the shooting scripts with the buddy comedy we wrote based on our strange and humorous adventure(s) in trucking. Danny figured that we’d be allowed in if we dressed like celebrities. I told him that these are powerful stars and executives, and how those guys work so little that the studio would probably be dead by the evening. So, I geared myself up in all black (including a ski-mask), Danny cloaked himself by dressing like Orlando Bloom in Lord of the Rings (I still don’t get him), and I got us in thanks to the ring of keys I received after landing that Security Guard gig at the studio.

But, as I’ve said before, I don’t know a damn thing about the way movies are made in Hollywood. And, apparently, it’s not a 9-5 situation like I thought.

So, instead of walking onto an empty set, we broke in at 8pm and bumped right into a director who was shooting a new romantic comedy. When he saw us both decked out in “ridiculous costumes,” as he called them, he thought it was “a great artistic choice” and told us to “get on set.”

Danny and I shot a scene where we showed up as dinner party guests in our ridiculous getup. And, they even suggested we adlib dialogue and just roll with it. Naturally, my character was a trucker who discuss the hardships of life on the road. Danny’s character was a nerd who loves archery, and wants to be a trucker but knows jack-shit about it.

Overall, the shoot went great. Afterward someone on the set said “excellent performance, Mr. Reynolds.” Danny clued me in that, thanks to my mustache, they probably think I am THE Burt Reynolds. Any chance I get to act like my role model, the main man from Smokey and the Bandit — the number one trucking movie of all time — is fine by me. So, I kept the lie going.

I then used my fraudulent fame to show the producer and the director our script for trucKING Royalty. They told “Burt Reynolds” that they’d have it read by the morning, and seemed very excited about the idea.

I always thought of myself as a trucker first, a man second, and a mustachioed bacon lover third. I never once thought of myself as a Hollywood actor. But, let me tell you something, if acting’s anything like walking onto a set, being mistaken for Burt Reynolds, and “improvising” by talking about the one thing you know, I think I’m gonna be damn good it.

We’ll let you know how it all goes down after our meeting with the producers tomorrow afternoon.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 9

Mr. Miller,

It’s day two in Hollywood, and I never thought I’d say it, but I’m beginning to think this ain’t too bad a place. There’s plenty of sunshine, fresh air, and bacon to go around.

Danny’s actually beginning to grow on me too. Yes, the asshole handcuffed me to Barbara, my beloved truck, and re-routed us here. But you know what? That took a hell of a lot of balls. If that little twerp can manage to handcuff ME to a passenger seat and bring us to Hollywood instead of Seattle, maybe he’s got what it takes to be a trucker after all.

Yesterday at the diner Danny read me his letter to you. And as the words he spoke entered my ears, they smuggled along with them a bit of respect for the kid.

I decided to bring him into a diner instead of leaving him on the side of the road because, as I’m sure you know, being victorious in a good brawl brings out the best in a man. And as he recounted the tale of my beating the living shit out of those stupid ass video game geeks and knocking him unconscious with a single punch, I realized that we actually DO make a good team.

I’m the brawn, and he’s…the one with the money and video game skills. He’s got just the right balance of fear and respect for me, which is the only way to gain my approval. And maybe with a little polishing, trucKING Royalty can really be made into a great flick.

So, being a good trucker, I’ve had one of the guys pick up our load for us. It’s on the way to Seattle as we speak. Danny seems to have an unending supply of cash thanks to his dad, so we’ll be staying here in Hollywood for a bit.

I already wrangled my way into a position as a security guard for a major motion picture studio. The plan Danny and I have so far is to either become a well-respected staff member and respectfully request a meeting with a producer, or sneak in during the middle of the night and replace every shooting script with ours.

We’re not sure which direction to head in yet.

But either way, we’ll keep you posted on our whereabouts — I’m sure Danny’s father probably wants to make sure he’s still alive.

Wish us luck,

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 8

Mr. Miller,

Hollywood has treated us quite worse than I had expected. Although our trip hasn’t been entirely fruitless, it appears that getting a movie deal involves a little more than just being in Hollywood. That’s alright, I’ve got plenty of time and a decent sum of money to get the greatest Lighthearted Buddy Comedy in the history of everything made.

The evening I arrived in Hollywood I met up with a couple of my Halo buddies for a tournament in order to earn my budget for the flick. I’m admittedly pretty dominant thanks to Dad paying for lessons, so I breezed through the first couple of rounds. I made it to the final match and it just so happened that I was facing the largest and most muscular member of a rival crew, “Teh Crunkpwnrz.” I got the decisive victory, but this gentleman was none too happy about some of my post-game comments (I still stand by my calling him the Loserest Loser of Losingberg) and he and his crew started to chase me down.

I managed to escape them for a bit, but they pursued me all the way back to the truck. I explained to Eddie my situation and was faced with a difficult decision. Do I release Eddie and run the risk of him beating me down for his imprisonment or keep him chained up and receive the beating of a lifetime? I couldn’t possibly defend myself against all Teh Crunkpwnrz!

I released Eddie and he proceeded to bash each Crunkpwnr into oblivion. Who knew that a 30-something grizzled trucker could handle a handful of 16-20 year-olds obsessed with video gaming? Then he knocked me out with a single punch to the side of the head.

I woke up in a diner with Eddie sitting across from me, eating a plateful of bacon. He handed me a pen and paper and told me to write you.

I hope I’ve convinced Eddie enough to stay in Hollywood with me and get our movie made. It would be the ultimate ending to our epic journey and I would probably cry the entire way up to Seattle if he didn’t stay.

-Danny

The Open Road – Letter 7

Mr. Miller,

Continually being handcuffed to the passenger seat of this truck is starting to piss me off. Dan had me sleep in the truck last night out of fear that I would beat him in the face with my fists. I must say that he is beginning to catch on to my repeated threats of assault. Good for him.

He woke up God knows how early to begin the 12 hour haul from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Hollywood. We arrived about an hour ago and have been sitting in the truck, pulled over into the shoulder on the Hollywood Freeway, amidst all the litter and broken dreams.

Dan has been thinking of the best move to make next. His first idea was to drive over to Paramount Studios with an outline for his screenplay (titled trucKING Royalty), and “naturally assume shooting would start later that day.”

Now I may not be some Hollywood Star, but I sincerely doubt that all it takes to get a major motion picture studio to begin work on your 1-page screenplay outline is to “show up in a truck and let nature take its course,” as Dan mentioned. I attempted to convince him of this, but it’s no use. I only temporarily halted this embarrassing moment while Dan ponders the best place to park Barbara in Hollywood while he gets us suits to show up in.

Another idea of his is to meet up with some of his “Halo buddies” (apparently it’s some video game. GOD, does everything have to be about “buddies” with this guy?!). There’s a tournament in LA tonight, and apparently you can win money by playing this video game. He assures me that many of Hollywood’s social elite are also addicted to this game, so while there he can network and get his screenplay in the hands of a studio executive.

As much as I bitch and complain about this situation, I must admit that I have a small, small hope in the pit of my stomach that this movie deal will actually go through. Dan has stated he’ll split the money 50/50 with me. That cash would be great. And plus, the whole idea of being a famous movie star ain’t bad either.

Who knows what’ll happen next. But even if I get rich thanks to Dan, I’m still gonna punch the little prick in the neck for handcuffing me to this seat. At least the last buddy film he showed was Some Like it Hot. That Norma Jeane’s quite the looker.

– Eddie