The Providers – Letter 1

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill,

Dude, dude, DUDE.

I’M SO DRUNK. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

HONESTY-TIME, HONESTY-TIME, man. I’m from the future. No no no no no, wait… seriously. YOU STUPID SHIT, LISTEN TO ME! This writing back to the past is serious business. Me and Greg – Greg from the future who don’t know yet – have been drinking a serious amount of Cuervo at his parents peacock farm. It is some f’d up s, man. They have this weird idea that peacock-dancing is the entertainment wave of the future – well, after SURGE BALL, of course.

Then me and Greg had this idea. CHECK IT OUT! We tell someone in the future to start the peacock-dancing trend, so by the time we come around it’s mega-popular and Greg’s parents (and us, of course) can reap the benefits – and by benefits I mean a dick-load of CASH MONEY.

So here’s what you basically need to do: If you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. If you’ve got just one peacock, get another one, then bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. If you are 100% sans-peacock, acquire two peacocks, bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

In return, we’ll give you tiny hints about the future so you can maybe possibly benefit from them.

Dude, this is going to be SO SICK. I LOVE YOU DUDE, I FUCKING LOVE YOU, MAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Eat my balls,
Dom

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The Providers – Letter 2

B-Fuckin-Ill,

If you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ‘em out round the yard and teach ‘em how to dance!

Do you even know what that means? Probably not because you’re too busy BEING LAME.

Man, we are from THE FUTURE. We are here to totally HARASS YOU via the Postal Service!

That’s right. It’s super-antiquated in our era. People only really use it to splice through time itself and send people junk mail and bullshit pranks. Where do you think all those stupid letters come from that promise you credit cards, discounted insurance, and larger penises? The effin’ future, that’s where.

Do we have a bigger purpose, you ask your STUPID self?!?!?! I will answer you with a whispered “perhaps.”

Dude, it’s like this: I just dropped some mad flim on some honey chilies.

You stupid past assholes don’t even understand how AWESOME that is. That means I just bought myself some great socks. In the future, we call socks “chilies.” Why? Because we are so much better than you and can do whatever we want!

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, you got a letter from Dom. That is not my name. My name is Greg. Both of us want you to shut the hell up, break up with anyone you’re currently going out with, and focus all of your time on us.

Oh, and bran. Buy a whole truck-fuckin’ lot of bran. Eat that shit. Love that shit. And write letters to your government about the importance of bran and bran research & development.

I will leave you with some lovely words from the greatest non-presidential vocalist of your generation: Mr. John Travolta

Look at the rain and look at the stars tonight
All fallin´ down on me
See them tumble through my door
I look at your face
The light is in your eyes
And there´s something there I need
I long to hold a little more

FUCK YOU,

– Greg

The Providers – Letter 3

Bill,

If all else fails remember these words:

“Girl I can’t understand it, why you want to hurt me
After all of the things I’ve done for you
I buy you champagne, roses and put diamonds on your fingers
But still you hang out all night, what am I to do?

My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time

Girl I seen you at clubs, just hangin out and dancing
You give your number to every man you see
You never come home at night because your out romancin
I wish you’d bring some of your love home to me

My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, party all the time
My girl wants to party all the time,
party all the time, she parties all the time”

Bill, we know that you have had some issues with your girlfriend recently, we know it seems like she wants to party all the time. Just remember that the 59th President of the United States, Mr. Eddie Murphy, can commiserate. It happens to all of us.

Now stop moping around, you have to stay focused if you’re going to help us prevent this tragedy. Greg and I have been diligently working to prepare every upcoming occurence so as to prevent any tears in the space-time continuum, and that’s not easy for two dudes who have worked in the Bran Factory for half their lives. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, STAY SHARP, KID!

More info to follow, make sure to check your mailbox and floss daily.

-Dom

The Providers – Letter 4

Bill,

Now that we got the awkward part out of the way (gosh, that was weird…but NECESSARY), we can get down to business!

Here’s a list of items that we need:

– 3 popcorn flavored lollipops
– 17 cases of Fuji apples, flash-frozen to preserve the 100 year journey to our time
– A 2010 Chone Figgins baseball card

Here’s a list of the preliminary tasks we need you to do:

– Read up on canaries and bran
– Get yourself into shape, specifically your upper body and your “digging muscles”
– Buy a puppy and take loving care of it throughout its life

The last one isn’t for us, but it’s just a good idea. Puppies are wonderful. Better than dolphins (fuck dolphins, man).

You’re probably very confused, and that’s ok. We’ll explain more to you when we’re able to.

For now, all you need to know is this: the first three letters were weird, yes; uncomfortable, yes; but necessary? Very much yes. We need to reverse a POWERFUL event that has taken place, and you need to do it for us.

So, this is the first time we are being nice and “normal” to you. But, again, our first three letters HAD to be sent. If you sift through our insults and odd requests, you’ll find some valuable information in them.

For now, you get to those lists I just left you! If you’re good, we’ll explain some stuff next letter.

– Greg

The Providers – Letter 5

Bill,

Now that you’ve taken care of the preliminary tasks we asked of you (thanks for sending that 2010 Chone Figgins baseball card, he’s going to have a monster year, trust me), I figured I could let you in on a little bit of information  about the future. Not enough to alter the space-time continuum so much that the United States gets attacked by a murderous race of giant sea turtles (again), but enough to make you totally jealous.

To start off, no, there are no flying cars. At least not anymore. A slight lack of foresight by AeroFord resulted in most of the flying cars obliterating each other mid-air. No lanes – people make their own lanes. The cars that didn’t become murder boxes were impounded or sent to museums. We’re all back to driving regular cars, powered by canaries.

I know you’re probably wondering about time-travel. Well, to sum up time-travel in one sentence: NOBODY TIME-TRAVELS. It’s really boring and totally not worth the risk. In case I hadn’t made in clear in my first paragraph, the future is great. Like, way better than the past. Why would we want to go back and look at boring losers like you (no offense) while we have 3-D virtual reality back in our own time? Even if we were interested in observing what you had for lunch last Tuesday, the possibility of completely ruining everything in the future is surprisingly high. Even the littlest thing – like someone from the future waving hello to you – could potentially have cataclysmic effects. If you wish to learn more about this, there was a documentary released during your time called The Butterfly Effect starring the man who now has a 30-foot tall bronze statue standing on the Hollywood walk-of-fame, Mr. Ashton Kutcher.

Also, dolphins can talk now. At first it was really cute, but now they’re just annoying – always whining about how much the want another fish. Fuck dolphins.

Thanks for your help, the next letter will inform you as to the next step in the process.

-Dom

The Providers – Letter 6

Bill,

Ok, so after extensive research, we have concluded that given your 2010 abundance of canaries, it would be best for us to acquire them through you.

Since we were laid off, we don’t currently have any money to buy canaries to run our cars on. So, we want you to create an area in the “Time Hiding Zone” that we will now call the “Suspended Animation Chamber.” I think the only method of Suspended Animation you’ve got is cryonics, so…freeze them really good or something.

Thanks in advance, man. This will help while we try to fight the powers that be to get our jobs back at the Bran Factory. See, there are no unemployment benefits in our time, only “reverse benefits.” This is a clever name for PUNISHMENT dished out if you don’t get a job fast enough. Dom and I are on level 3 right now. This means that each morning the government plays the audio track from every episode of the television show Joey into the cellular phone implants in our ears. We are not sure how much longer we can last. We are desperate men.

This is why it is so crucially important that if you don’t have a Fringclaxitor in your time, you “invent” one by buying all the Bran and Bran Products you can from every nearby local store, and storing them along with Farmers’ Almanacs in the “Time Hiding Zone.” This will allow Dom and I to have access to “True Bran.” This is the name given to Bran from before The Great Branning of 2087.

Once acquired, we hope to drive the True Bran up to Bran headquarters (once we get those canaries running our cars) and show that we will now be able to farm True Bran again thanks to our genius ways. Then we can be hired back to our old jobs and request that our old buddy Pablo come with us. Get the whole Bran Innovation Team back together!

It’s like I’ve been saying: if you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ’em round the yard and teach ’em how to dance. The Bran Overloards are the peacocks, and we will teach them to dance the dance of re-employment!

Long story short: freeze some canaries and put them under the deli. Thx.

– Greg

The Providers – Letter 7

Bill,

Greg and I just came back from the site you were meant to bury the canaries in the Suspended Animation Chamber and honestly, I was a bit disappointed. I thought we had made it clear how costly it is these days to acquire these precious little birds ever since the motor vehicle companies found they were an extremely cheap source of energy. There’s hardly enough for two average-joes and their hair-brained experiments in time travel (or, since no one’s actually travelling, hair-brained experiments in Past Manipulation).

Nevertheless, Greg and I will trudge on. We have an old friend Pablo who used to work with us at the Bran Factory until he inherited a pet store from late Grandfather. I’m sure he’ll have a few of them lying around.

I hope you understand how dire our situation is, Bill. Greg and I need our jobs back at the factory. We’re lost without them. This is why I’m giving you one more opportunity to help us. All we need you to do is dig a tunnel beneath Francisco’s Pet Store on the corner of 25th and Henson. This should give us an entry way into Pablo’s store in the future so we can get our canaries. 

Should you fail us again, this endeavour could prove deadly. Pablo’s got a bit of a temper. You don’t want the weight of two future guys looming over you, do you? I didn’t think so. DIG THE HOLE, BILL!

-Dom