The Providers – Letter 2

B-Fuckin-Ill,

If you’ve got 2 peacocks, bring ‘em out round the yard and teach ‘em how to dance!

Do you even know what that means? Probably not because you’re too busy BEING LAME.

Man, we are from THE FUTURE. We are here to totally HARASS YOU via the Postal Service!

That’s right. It’s super-antiquated in our era. People only really use it to splice through time itself and send people junk mail and bullshit pranks. Where do you think all those stupid letters come from that promise you credit cards, discounted insurance, and larger penises? The effin’ future, that’s where.

Do we have a bigger purpose, you ask your STUPID self?!?!?! I will answer you with a whispered “perhaps.”

Dude, it’s like this: I just dropped some mad flim on some honey chilies.

You stupid past assholes don’t even understand how AWESOME that is. That means I just bought myself some great socks. In the future, we call socks “chilies.” Why? Because we are so much better than you and can do whatever we want!

MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, you got a letter from Dom. That is not my name. My name is Greg. Both of us want you to shut the hell up, break up with anyone you’re currently going out with, and focus all of your time on us.

Oh, and bran. Buy a whole truck-fuckin’ lot of bran. Eat that shit. Love that shit. And write letters to your government about the importance of bran and bran research & development.

I will leave you with some lovely words from the greatest non-presidential vocalist of your generation: Mr. John Travolta

Look at the rain and look at the stars tonight
All fallin´ down on me
See them tumble through my door
I look at your face
The light is in your eyes
And there´s something there I need
I long to hold a little more

FUCK YOU,

– Greg

Advertisements

The Providers – Letter 4

Bill,

Now that we got the awkward part out of the way (gosh, that was weird…but NECESSARY), we can get down to business!

Here’s a list of items that we need:

– 3 popcorn flavored lollipops
– 17 cases of Fuji apples, flash-frozen to preserve the 100 year journey to our time
– A 2010 Chone Figgins baseball card

Here’s a list of the preliminary tasks we need you to do:

– Read up on canaries and bran
– Get yourself into shape, specifically your upper body and your “digging muscles”
– Buy a puppy and take loving care of it throughout its life

The last one isn’t for us, but it’s just a good idea. Puppies are wonderful. Better than dolphins (fuck dolphins, man).

You’re probably very confused, and that’s ok. We’ll explain more to you when we’re able to.

For now, all you need to know is this: the first three letters were weird, yes; uncomfortable, yes; but necessary? Very much yes. We need to reverse a POWERFUL event that has taken place, and you need to do it for us.

So, this is the first time we are being nice and “normal” to you. But, again, our first three letters HAD to be sent. If you sift through our insults and odd requests, you’ll find some valuable information in them.

For now, you get to those lists I just left you! If you’re good, we’ll explain some stuff next letter.

– Greg

Common Nonsense – Letter 1

Alan,

Let me start by saying that you shouldn’t have stabbed your wife, even if it was “amidst a flurry of hot passion” as you put it. I don’t know why you thought that would be a good idea.

Furthermore, to stab her with a plastic spork is just absurd. I mean, I know you were eating Taco Bell when she jumped on top of you dressed as a “sexy burrito” (what does that even mean?), but you shouldn’t go THAT FAR with your roleplaying. I’m just glad Lisa is ok. I guess I will never understand your marriage. It seems to be based on odd culinary choices, bizarre interests, and bouts of wild sex.

The last part doesn’t sound too bad, but I still don’t think it qualifies you to run an advice-column website on dating and relationships. And just because I’m your brother and I’m a web-designer doesn’t mean I share your vision. When it comes to the world of relationships and sexuality, I’m definitely not running your way for advice.

But even though I’m not thrilled about it, I’ll help you get it off the ground. What’s one more crazy website added to the internet, right? Send me a couple sample reader-questions and your answers and I’ll get some sketches going. Let me know any specific design elements you want included as well.

And please…try not to be so weird.

Love,

Rich

Political Party Animals – Letter 8

Ms. Markowitz (aka Janet von Gams),

Listen, your super-senior High-School secret identity is ridiculous. Totally not as “rockin” as mine: Stryker PecsNabs. SO much cooler! Both on paper and in the hallways (where it truly counts!). This is why I was disturbed yesterday when “Stryker” was in English class and Megan Williams passed me the note I’ve transcribed below:

MEGAN
sup hottie ;) LOL

STRYKER
Profits, babe. Profits are up.

MEGAN
LOL. ??

STRYKER
I’m just sayin that businesses are cool.

MEGAN
LOL y? dads run those.

STRYKER
That’s a misconception. They’re run by successful tycoons who are SEXY and may or may not be vampiric.

MEGAN
Twilight is soooooo lame LOL

STRYKER
Most tycoons are not vampiric and they also find it lame. You have a lot in common with them. You should think about hanging out with a few prominent industrialists. Really absorb all of their beliefs. Speaking of absorbtion, did you read that copy of Atlas Shrugged I let you borrow?

MEGAN
dat book is sooooooo long LOL u srsly read it?

STRYKER
Every word. It really helps you sort out your life by showing you that society needs wealthy holier-than-thou business owners. Some, such as myself, are destined to be just that. Others should spend their lives wanting nothing more than to work in factories without unionized labor or labor laws. And all who reject this belief are just infected with the Red Plague

MEGAN
LOL ?? red plague??lol

STRYKER
Red is the color of hate (and Commies). The Red Plague describes those individuals who try to live out of their means. Out of the means of neo-tycoonism. We should call out these people publicly and exile them to a land far far away. Don’t you agree?

MEGAN
wuteva LOL u goin 2 prom wit som1??

STRYKER
I’m a lonely and therefore cool drifter, babe. I can not make any strong commitments one way or the other which is why my sex appeal skyrockets like my stocks. The only thing I can commit to is that once school is over, I am DEFINITELY going to spend my life working in a factory. Isn’t that just the coolest? Isn’t that SO much cooler than college? Obviously the answer is yes. STRYKER OUT!

MEGAN
LOL christine said u r goin wit dat new chick janet

STRYKER
Janet is a whore. Also, she told Brian Lee the other day that Labor Unions help the working man and that the dream of Universal Health Care must be made into an American reality. Whatever you do, don’t listen to her slutty lies.

MEGAN
u 2 r so much alike LOL. U alwyz tlk bout dat stuff.

STRYKER
We are NOTHING alike! I am cool and she is just some stupid jerkface!

MEGAN
sounds lik u lik her LOL ;)

STRYKER
I do NOT like her. I enjoy snowy mornings, hot cocoa, and a wealthy tycoon lifestyle. I hate those infected by The Red Plague, such as Janet.

MEGAN
LOL watevs. u kno there votin u 2 prom king n queen tho rite? LOL

At this point the bell rang and I had to get to biology class since Mr. Vanguard told me if I was late once more I’d have to stay after school. But WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?!? Did “Janet” tell Christine that she likes “Stryker” and wants to take him to prom?!? If so, Stryker is DEFINITELY not interested.

But regardless of his/my lack of interest in bringing you to the prom, once we started posing as older-yet-still-senior high school students, these kids started falling in love with us. Now they apparently want us to be together. Makes sense, we’re the two coolest “kids” in the school now. But I am SO not going to the prom with you. The prom is my chance to be voted King so that I can deliver a speech so inspiring that all the high school students will quit right then and there and embrace a poverty-stricken late-1800s lifestyle.

And I’m certainly not going to let you ruin that moment by giving some terrible speech about your asinine beliefs. So stop spreading rumors!

I should go and finish this Spanish homework. God, who would have thought being middle-aged and going back to High School under the guise that you’re a cool teenager would be this much WORK?

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby

Political Party Animals – Letter 6

Ms. Markowitz,

Ok, so I’ve resulted to Plan B since you took the “high road” and alerted parents of my plan to try to get Dorland County’s children to willingly work in your wicker basket factories in hopes of raising a generation who share my life-long love for abolishing all labor laws and bringing back the 19th century industrialism.

Plan B is that I’ve been hanging out with teenagers.

Hear me out: everyone knows that children and teens alike are highly gullible (I’m not too sure about tweens. Not enough market research has been done in this area, save to determine that vampires are sexy). I will utilize this gullibility by presenting myself as Stryker PecsNabs: a cooler-than-cool teen who wandered into Dorland County and will be expressing his unique pro-industrialist ideals frequently and LOUDLY.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even throw in some vampire lore if anyone age 11-13 is nearby.

Having to shave my “Tycoon’s-Mustache” was heartbreaking; but I am hoping that “Stryker’s” views on how cool it is to work in factories and make the rich richer and the poor poorer will trickle down from seniors to kindergartners, creating a unstoppable fire inside the youth of this county. A fire that can never be put out, but only contained within the walls of a wicker basket factory.

But, unlike a REAL fire in a wicker basket factory, this will not produce horribly disastrous results. Children, tweens and teens will be happy. Parents will want to work alongside their children, thereby creating ADDITIONAL PROFITS. The wealthy industrialist who owns the wicker basket factory will invite me over for dinner (I’m assuming he or she is a wealthy industrialist. Otherwise I’ve no idea how they became owner of a factory). At dinner we will discuss my candidacy for presidency. They will be so moved by my obvious do-goodery that they will want to throw all of their silver dollars my way in support of my campaign.

I then will tell them that I should probably be in an elected office before running. They will use their power to overthrow you as PTA President of the Dorland County School District, and place me in the throne. This will make my bill for presidency stronger while proving to you that I can beat you in the political arena. Two birds with one wealthy stone.

Oh, and I read your threat of having “wrote the book” on the dirty politics game. Let’s see what you got, Ms. PTA-President-for-14-Years-Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes.

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby