Political Party Animals – Letter 8

Ms. Markowitz (aka Janet von Gams),

Listen, your super-senior High-School secret identity is ridiculous. Totally not as “rockin” as mine: Stryker PecsNabs. SO much cooler! Both on paper and in the hallways (where it truly counts!). This is why I was disturbed yesterday when “Stryker” was in English class and Megan Williams passed me the note I’ve transcribed below:

MEGAN
sup hottie ;) LOL

STRYKER
Profits, babe. Profits are up.

MEGAN
LOL. ??

STRYKER
I’m just sayin that businesses are cool.

MEGAN
LOL y? dads run those.

STRYKER
That’s a misconception. They’re run by successful tycoons who are SEXY and may or may not be vampiric.

MEGAN
Twilight is soooooo lame LOL

STRYKER
Most tycoons are not vampiric and they also find it lame. You have a lot in common with them. You should think about hanging out with a few prominent industrialists. Really absorb all of their beliefs. Speaking of absorbtion, did you read that copy of Atlas Shrugged I let you borrow?

MEGAN
dat book is sooooooo long LOL u srsly read it?

STRYKER
Every word. It really helps you sort out your life by showing you that society needs wealthy holier-than-thou business owners. Some, such as myself, are destined to be just that. Others should spend their lives wanting nothing more than to work in factories without unionized labor or labor laws. And all who reject this belief are just infected with the Red Plague

MEGAN
LOL ?? red plague??lol

STRYKER
Red is the color of hate (and Commies). The Red Plague describes those individuals who try to live out of their means. Out of the means of neo-tycoonism. We should call out these people publicly and exile them to a land far far away. Don’t you agree?

MEGAN
wuteva LOL u goin 2 prom wit som1??

STRYKER
I’m a lonely and therefore cool drifter, babe. I can not make any strong commitments one way or the other which is why my sex appeal skyrockets like my stocks. The only thing I can commit to is that once school is over, I am DEFINITELY going to spend my life working in a factory. Isn’t that just the coolest? Isn’t that SO much cooler than college? Obviously the answer is yes. STRYKER OUT!

MEGAN
LOL christine said u r goin wit dat new chick janet

STRYKER
Janet is a whore. Also, she told Brian Lee the other day that Labor Unions help the working man and that the dream of Universal Health Care must be made into an American reality. Whatever you do, don’t listen to her slutty lies.

MEGAN
u 2 r so much alike LOL. U alwyz tlk bout dat stuff.

STRYKER
We are NOTHING alike! I am cool and she is just some stupid jerkface!

MEGAN
sounds lik u lik her LOL ;)

STRYKER
I do NOT like her. I enjoy snowy mornings, hot cocoa, and a wealthy tycoon lifestyle. I hate those infected by The Red Plague, such as Janet.

MEGAN
LOL watevs. u kno there votin u 2 prom king n queen tho rite? LOL

At this point the bell rang and I had to get to biology class since Mr. Vanguard told me if I was late once more I’d have to stay after school. But WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?!? Did “Janet” tell Christine that she likes “Stryker” and wants to take him to prom?!? If so, Stryker is DEFINITELY not interested.

But regardless of his/my lack of interest in bringing you to the prom, once we started posing as older-yet-still-senior high school students, these kids started falling in love with us. Now they apparently want us to be together. Makes sense, we’re the two coolest “kids” in the school now. But I am SO not going to the prom with you. The prom is my chance to be voted King so that I can deliver a speech so inspiring that all the high school students will quit right then and there and embrace a poverty-stricken late-1800s lifestyle.

And I’m certainly not going to let you ruin that moment by giving some terrible speech about your asinine beliefs. So stop spreading rumors!

I should go and finish this Spanish homework. God, who would have thought being middle-aged and going back to High School under the guise that you’re a cool teenager would be this much WORK?

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby

Political Party Animals – Letter 4

Ms. Markowitz,

I love a good challenge! Too bad this isn’t one of those! BURN!

Do you see what I just did there? I “pwnd” you. Yes, I am learning the language of the American Youth. I am doing this so that I gain their trust and so that they will beg their mommies and daddies to please please please make Rupert Hornsby the president of the Dorland County School District PTA. Then once I have been placed in your current (my future) position, I will obviously make changes. BIG CHANGES!

I will start by having the students take an increasing number of field trips to your wicker basket factories. The children will, no doubt, be moved by the productivity and crave for their little hands to be helping the process. So, we will have a basket making session afterwards. They will fall in love with assembly line work, much like how I did when I was a lad.

You see, Ms. Markowitz, I never intend on forcing any children to work. I believe you have me all wrong. I simply wish to inspire in them the love for constantly working for little to no pay with no benefits and for an unclear ultimate goal that seems to only aid the tycoon at the top of the chain (yo). This is what happened to me as a child, and I wish to inspire in these children the same lust for the 19th century industrialist era.

This is why I sent all the children in the school district polls and survey questions. I have instructed them to send the answers to both myself and to you, Krystine, so that you can read not only the honest questions, but their true desires.

“Catcha latron”!

– Rupert Hornsby

Political Party Animals – Letter 2

Ms. Markowitz,

Let me start by saying that your letter disgusted me. I actually threw up a little bit in my mouth after reading what your Working Families Party is all about. Healthcare for everyone? Secure retirement plans? Responsibility for one’s actions?

Please. Grow up.

This is AMERICA, Krystine. Not some kind of hippie-land where good will and currency sprout out of the ground as long as we let Mother Sun shine down on it. Understanding your outlook is a huckleberry above my persimmon, if I may say so myself.

Also, I’m NOT joking about my slogans “The Late 1800’s Were Right,” “Bring Back the Tycoons,” and “Upton Sinclair Was a Prick.” I vehemently believe that the late 19th century was a golden age for all.

It was an era when a man could dangle a monopoly just out of America’s reach, and reap in benefit after benefit. It was a time when men, women, and children were all equal — and all worked 3 shifts a day. Even though I was sadly not alive, it is definitely a time peroid more in-line with my personal beliefs.

As a child I remember reading The Jungle in school, and being APPALLED by the way it brought down those beautifully profitable industries. I thought to myself while reading it “GOOD. Get our little hands up in that machinery. That’s where us kids BELONG.” That attitude got me detention, but I never “learned [my] lesson.” I never turned around my “horrendously insensitive attitude.” No. In fact, I only pushed on FURTHER.

When I heard the name of your political party, I thought it was the right one for me. Now I know I was wrong. So, I’ll be starting my own political party called the Pennybags Party, named of course after the wonderfully tycoonish cartoon face of the board game Monopoly. We will fight for these simple readjustments to American society:

1. Banish all laws that stop the rich from getting richer.
2. Banish all laws that tell employers they HAVE to give employees days off, time between shifts, or pay.
3. Demand curly mustaches return into style for any and all making 7 figures or more a year.
4. Replace all eyeglasses with monocles, walkers with canes, and machines with overworked employees.
5. More crosshatching in political cartoons (which will all be PRO wealthy industrialist).

These are the 5 points the Pennybags Party will be fighting day and night for. Politically, we will work our way from the ground upward in order to gain a respectable following to fight your party in the next presidential election. This is why I have moved into a condominium in your neighborhood, Ms. Markowitz, and plan on running for PTA President in your school district under the Pennybags Party Marquee.

Get used to the smell of defeat wafting your way like an old coal chimney, smothering your home, and leaving soot on all your accomplishments.

Sincerely,

– Rupert Hornsby