The Open Road – Letter 4

Mr. Miller,

Trucking is so easy! Eddie was telling me about all these rules that truckers have to follow like you can’t drive for more than 14 hours. Pssh, that’s it? My friends and I have played Halo for WAY longer than that. Just give me a couple cans of Mountain Dew and I could be the greatest truck driver in the world! Sure, I haven’t done any driving per se, but I’ve watched Eddie long enough to know the basics: Press your feet down, jiggle the Slammy-Rod till you go fast, and look like the most miserable man on earth (Eddie does this step perfectly). I’m sure that I’ll be a natural in no time.

Last night we checked into a hotel in Witchita, Kansas and we couldn’t find any good arcades so Eddie decided that we were going to stay in and watch Roadgames, which is some movie about trucking. Is this the only thing that Eddie thinks about? I mean, it’s great that he loves his career and all but why doesn’t he relax with something a bit more light-hearted? Maybe a flick whose main theme is the power of friendship between two heterosexual males. Rush Hour is the first film that comes to mind.

The only two things that kept me from throwing a full-fledged temper tantrum were the mom from Freaky Friday being in it and the very vague hint of this being a light-hearted buddy flick. I mean, there were two people who spent a decent amount of time together and some of the time they were smiling but THAT’S IT! BOOOORIIIIIING.

Eddie and I are a good team, Mr. Miller, don’t get me wrong. We just come from two different worlds so it’s tough for us to see eye-to-eye. I’m Jackie Chan and he’s the blue collar, wise-crackin’ Chris Tucker type. In the end all of our trials and tribulations will bring us closer until we become BEST FRIENDS!

That’s why I’m taking us on a detour.

I’ll write you soon.


The Open Road – Letter 3

Mr. Miller,

Dan has been asking me to call him Danny and trying to hug me frequently. I know that this is a sensitive situation because “Danny” is the Company’s Owner’s son, and his dad has a thing for firing people who disagree with him, but I really…REALLY do not want to be walking around calling him “Danny” while he’s reaching for a warm embrace. There’s just something about the way this guy operates that leads me to believe we’ll soon be the laughing stock of any truck stop we enter.

I mean, just today I was trying to talk to him about how lots of times truckers are tempted to run illegal. I was about to explain this by stating how due to the rules requiring that after 14 hours from your begin time on a given day, you need a 10 hour break no matter how many miles you’ve driven. Now you and I know this means that, more often than not, you’ve gotta bend the rules a bit in order to ensure your delivery gets there on time. But do you know what Dan asks me after I tell him truckers may have to run illegal?

“Did you know that the French Dog breed Dogue de Bordeaux was developed for pit fighting in the 15th century? Talk about illegal! Can you imagine that nowadays? Oh Em Gee.”

He then went on to explain that Dogue de Bordeaux was the breed of dog that Hooch was in Turner and Hooch. Are you kidding me?! TURNER AND HOOCH?! I made sure to go to a hotel with a DVD player tonight. We went to a nearby video store and rented Roadgames, quite possibly the best thriller flick with a trucker as the main character. I’m hoping the murderous suspense along with the hot Jamie Lee Curtis will help guide Dan(…ny) towards the right path.

This kid just seems to know way too much about ridiculous buddy comedies and not nearly enough about well, say TRUCKING for instance. But, I figured we’d start small and at least get him into better movies. To think “lighthearted buddy flicks,” as he put it, could be someone’s favorite movie genre is ridiculous. Is it even a genre? I mean, I’m all for stories about two tough guys in a tough situation (like Tango & Cash), but if it drifts into silliness you can count me out.

Anyway, back to business. Since I’m running legal with him (figured if I showed him the ropes, I’d show him right), we were at Birmingham, Alabama yesterday after 14 hours, and today we’re in Wichita, Kansas. I still have no idea why he wants to be a trucker. And I may hate him and the way he blabs on and on about useless facts from shitty movies, but I’ll train him best I can.

Let’s just hope it sticks.

Wish me luck, Alan.

– Eddie