Political Party Animals – Letter 9

Mr. Hornsby,

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that I would even CONSIDER going to prom with you. You’re cruel, vain, and pig-headed. Not to mention your political ideals make we want to BARF! Anyway, I already have a date to prom: Brett McGregor. He’s captain of the hockey team, he blindly listens to everything I tell him about Liberal politics and his Dad lets him drive his Mustang. All I had to do was promise to buy him cigarettes for the next 2 months. A couple packs of cigarettes for the opportunity to have every student respect me and listen to my views on politics? That’s well worth it, don’t you think?

I wouldn’t worry too much about being voted prom king, Brett and I have been hard at work promoting our bid to become prom king and queen. The Working Families flyers I’ve been handing out have a little note on the bottom encouraging the student body to not only place their vote for the Working Families (when they’re old enough), but to place their vote for Janet and Brett.

Once we win, I will give my awe-inspiring speech thanking the students for their support and encouraging them to continue their education and achieve their full potential while remaining loyal to their working class roots. I’ll then hand the mic to Brett and he’ll yell “Go Ice Dawgs!” The audience will be so moved that they may go out and register Working Families right then, which is good because the PTA set up a voter-registration booth in the foyer. Your plan will be quashed and you can go back to… whatever you were doing before you had this ridiculous idea of running for president.

See you at prom. ;-)

-Ms. Janet von Gams

Advertisements

Political Party Animals – Letter 7

Mr. Hornsby,

I have to hand it to you, Rupert, your almost-guaranteed-to-fail Plan B seems to be working. This past week I’ve sent a handful of students home for wearing “WWJPD?” (What Would J.P. Morgan Do?) T-shirts.

What’s worse is that a group of parents have been circulating a petition to remove Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle from our reading list and replace it with Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. While Rand’s philosophical novel is a classic, the parents claim their reason for the replacement is to, “Prevent the Red Plague from infecting our family, schools and country.” This just so happens to draw more than a few parallels with the Red Scare of the 1940’s and 50’s, a dark time in our nation’s history. I am all for students getting a fair balance of view points, but we also mustn’t take a step backwards and teach our children that those of a differing opinion are evil and out to destroy the fabric of American society.

You’ve left me no choice but to move on to my Plan B, which is posing as too-cool-for-school-but-cool-enough-to-hang-around-it-all-day Super-Senior Janet von Gams. I’ll be hanging around outside the Middle Schools, buying the 8th graders cigarettes, giving the teachers the middle finger when they tell me to stop loitering, and explaining the advantages of unions and Universal Health Care. Soon, every student will demand fair treatment of all employees and wish to go to college and have a reasonably successful career. Your plan will be foiled and I will retain my title of President of the Dorland County School District PTA.

I warned you about playing the game with me, Stryker. Now you let the tiger out of the cage. RAR!

-Krystine Markowitz