The Open Road – Letter 15

Mr. Miller,

Well, we did it. 2 Days after shooting ended, Danny and I revealed our true identities to the star-studded Hollywood cast and crew of our movie trucKING Royalty. Danny took off his long blond wig and Orlando-Bloom-as-Legolas attire, and I simply stated that despite my mustache, I am not Burt Reynolds.

They stared for a minute in awe, then Martin Scorsese said “Well, I appreciate the amount of moxie and acting expertise needed to pretend to be a talented actor for the entire length of a shoot.” Robert Redford then came over to us and shook our hands, saying “I know the feeling.” He then winked and slipped me a piece of paper that he started scribbling on as we exposed our true identities.

They said for us all to take 15. Danny and I walked out of the room and opened up the folded piece of paper Mr. Redford gave us. I’ve attached it so you can see for yourself

Danny and I spent most of the 15 trying to decipher the handwriting. And we’re pretty sure it says that THEY are also impersonating celebrities and that trucKING Royalty was going to be edited into a porno!

I actually thought this was pretty hot, and was only upset that they didn’t just ask if we wanted to make it a porno in the first place. That would’ve been one wild ride that I’d’ve taken part in!

But Danny…holy shit that kid was pissed off. He stormed right back into the room and punched the fake Martin Scorsese in the face! That guy was down for the count. Then he stood menacingly over him and said “You don’t RUIN buddy flicks by making them more about sex and less about the growth of a platonic bond between two characters. You’ve besmirched the good name of Hollywood with your sleaze!” Then he spit on the the guy, stared down the rest of the room, and walked out.

I followed him out. And while I would’ve been game for having sex with smokin’ hot ladies in the porno, I had to hand it to the kid, he stood up for what he believed in. And there’s nothing more admirable than that.

“Robert Redford” walked out and told us that his real name was Mark Allensburg. He said that he exposed the situation to us because he truly believed in trucKING Roylaty. He said that the people we were working with had connections with someone actually employed at the movie studio we broke into. They got a hold of our script and sent it over to these scammers who just wanted to do a porno based on people impersonating Hollywood celebs (apparently they “knew” the whole time? I don’t know if I believe that). He presented a card for their organization called “WildChilds: we put the WOOD in Hollywood.”

Witty, I must say. But Danny still wasn’t about to play any games. He demanded to know who the head boss was of the WildChilds. He rattled off a list of what he planned on doing to the guy; and after some threats of physical violence were delivered Mark’s way, he fessed up that it was an Alan Miller from Miami, Florida.

Alan. We’ve known each other for a damn long time. So many years you’ve helped me out, so I am going to say one thing: if you are the same Alan Miller that heads up the WildChilds and screwed with Danny and his dream movie…be prepared to feel his wrath. He went completely batshit when he heard the name, and now we’re about to board a plane back to Miami.

I suggest getting the hell out of there before it’s too late.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 1

Mr. Miller,

It’s been only 1 day driving with Dan and already I can’t stand him.

I know that the trucking company wanted to “show him the ropes” by having him travel with an obviously experienced trucker, such as myself, but it’s honestly excruciating to deal with him. There are so many ways in which this guy needs to shape up if he wants to ride in the big leagues.

I feel like I’m in some less action-packed, unfunny version of Tango & Cash. And I’m not even too sure which one I’d be in this scenario. I guess Cash, because I’m hoping Dan’s got a hot Teri Hatcher-esque sister I can get with. This is the idea that has got me through the day without strangling him.

Mr. Miller, you know that I have nothing but respect for you. You’ve always had my back, and I appreciate that. However, I’m not too sure how I’m going to make the trip from Miami to Seattle with this guy.

Consider this my first status letter. As discussed, I will be sending these frequently, reporting my progress towards Seattle, and my expert opinion on Dan’s progress. Dan is sitting quietly across from me at this truck stop, penning his letter to you. God only knows what his take on Day 1 is.

I’ll be writing to you soon. Take care, and wish me luck.

– Eddie