The Open Road – Letter 13

Mr. Miller,

Shooting is going well on trucKING Royalty. As Danny mentioned to you in his last letter, we only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting — the rest will be filled with action sequences and dramatic monologues.

I should say that I only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting. Since everyone still believes me to be Burt Reynolds, they’ve told me that a man of my “caliber” doesn’t need to worry about drama or action. a Stunt Double will fill in for the latter, and the former isn’t a part of my character’s shtick.

Danny on the other hand (or, “Orlando Bloom” I should say) is thought of as a “young go-getter” on the Hollywood scene. And due to his inclusion in the Lord of the Rings films, everyone expects a lot from him. Danny’s been jumping off trucks and dodging explosions, while I kick back in my trailer enjoying a 6-pack of Natty Ice and the most elegant bacon you’ve ever indulged in.

There is, however, one problem. When we mentioned getting paid in wads of cash for the film, our producer just laughed and said “obviously your payment will be directly deposited into the bank accounts we have on file for you guys.”

I believe that this means that one morning the REAL Burt Reynolds and Orlando Bloom will wake up to having a huge paycheck deposited into their checking accounts, and Eddie and Danny right here will leave Hollywood just the same as they entered it.

Danny’s not too worried about this, since his father already gives him a steady supply of cash each week. But I don’t have any such luck. And as you recall, we sent my beautiful truck Barbara up the coast to Seattle with our payload — so there goes that paycheck.

I’m not too sure how to solve this problem, but I’ve been thinking about punching someone. Danny has a different plan: the last day of shooting is very soon, and he says that he plans on having us rip off our disguises and show everyone who is working on the film the real Danny and Eddie. He claims they’ll have no option but to respect us and make us the Hollywood stars we deserve to be given trucKING Royalty‘s brilliance in the light-hearted buddy-flick genre.

I don’t know if his plan is going to work yet, but by the next time we speak, the shit will have already hit the fan, for better or worse. I’m not too sure when shit hitting a fan is for the best, but I’m hoping that this will be the first time that analogy works in a positive manner.

Wish us luck, you old dog, you.

– Eddie

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The Open Road – Letter 12

Mr. Miller,

I’m writing to you right now from Mr. Harvey Keitel’s luxury hotel suite. More specifically, the hot tub of Mr. Harvey Keitel’s luxury hotel suite, so I apologize for any bubble-bath smudges on this letter. Mr. Keitel was kind enough to invite me and Eddie out for a night on the town to thank us for casting him in trucKING Royalty. Any idea who he’s playing? Go ahead, guess.

Did you guess yourself? GREAT GUESS YOU’RE THE SMARTEST DUDE! You see, I really liked him in Little Nicky (despite it’s status as a non-light-hearted-buddy-flick) and our producer, Mr. Feinberg, said he could “pull some strings” and make it happen. So he pulled said strings and here I am playing Halo 3 with Mark Wahlberg (playing Mr. Feinberg) and Robert Redford (playing my Dad) in hot tub filled with Perrier. Eddie just got his room service consisting of caviar covered bacon and a six-pack of Natty-Light. As you can tell, things are going pretty well.

Mr. Feinberg is apparently such a huge Burt Reynolds fan (he still thinks we’re Burt and Orlando) that he gave us a movie deal despite our script being all of 17 pages long. Apparently that’s about 17 minutes of filming. Eddie seems a bit worried about the length, but I know Mr. Scorsese (he’s directing, by the way) will fill in the rest with lots of dramatic monologues and gun fights. Marty says this will be the Citizen Kane of light-hearted buddy flicks, and I tend to believe him.

The only draw back of pretending to be Orlando Bloom is having to wear this Legolas costume all the time. People keep asking me to show off my archery skills, but I keep telling them I’ve got a wrist injury from punching an Uruk-hai. It’s flawless logic, I’m not worried about getting caught AT ALL.

We’ll send you tickets to the premier, you’re going to LOVE this movie!

-Danny

The Open Road – Letter 10

Mr. Miller,

Eddie’s been working at the studio for over a week and STILL no one has asked him to pitch his movie idea! It must be the economy. Since when can’t a guy get a job as a security guard and be able to openly discuss all his amazing ideas with all the high-ranking executives of the company? WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN?!

I think it’s time we took matters into our own hands. We’re sneaking into the offices tomorrow night and replacing every script with trucking Royalty. It’s simple, really. I’ll dress up as Orlando Bloom in The Lord of the Rings (the most epic buddy flick ever) and Eddie will dress up as Burt Reynolds because that’s the only thing he can pull off with that mustache. Once we’re allowed into the studio because of our celebrity status, we’ll go through every office in the building and replace every script with ours.

Once we’re done, we’ll sit back and wait for the Big-Time execs to call us and offer us huge contracts to star in the amazing movie we wrote. It’s simple business, Mr. Miller. I’m sure you understand being one of the more important people in Dad’s business. You probably snuck into Dad’s office late one night dressed as a very important trucker and replaced every resume with yours. When Dad read the resumes he probably exclaimed, “I want to hire this Mr. Miller gentleman and pay him one figure for each one of his resumes I have in my hand!” You’re quite crafty, Mr. Miller.

Well, I’m off to buy a blonde wig and long bow. We’ll make sure to put you in the credits as an assistant something-or-other.

-Danny