Political Party Animals – Letter 10

Janet von Gams,

Well, this is just ridiculous.

Megan Williams was supposed to be on my side, and Brett McGregor was supposed to be on your side. We were supposed to be two feuding political ideologies attempting to brainwash the teenagers in Dorland County.

But clearly Megan and Brett were not fully grasping the magnitude of what we were telling them, because if they were they would hate each other the way you and I do and not have fallen in love. Now they are going to the prom TOGETHER and from what I’ve been hearing in the hallways they’re likely to win King and Queen.

Megan tells me that she kept eying Brett at all our rallies and that they hooked up one night at Steve’s party and now they’re a hot item. UGH!

Well, this is why I’m suggesting we fight fire with fire, Ms. Markowitz. Despite the fact that you make me want to throw up all over myself like some drunken teenager who found his parents’ liquor cabinet at a house party he threw while they were out of town, I think we’re going to have to go to the prom together.

We’re going to have to remind these kids that they have to listen to us because Stryker PecsNabs and Janet von Gams are the two coolest d00dz in the school…despite the fact that we’re really middle-aged and using pseudonyms.

But, this doesn’t mean I want you spewing your ideology. Your stupid, stupid ideology. But, in order to be able to say what I want to say and rile these kids into a life of hard work with little reward at a factory I one day wish to own, I’m going to have to compromise and let you give your dumb speech about how you should aim high and believe in yourself and all that bullshit.

So, it’s on. My only request is that you have to make sure you look smokin’ hot. None of that hippie garbage you usually wear. I’ll pick you up Thursday at 7 and we’ll get you a great prom dress. I know a place.

Get ready to win these kids back into the palms of our manipulative hands!

– Stryker PecsNabs

Political Party Animals – Letter 2

Ms. Markowitz,

Let me start by saying that your letter disgusted me. I actually threw up a little bit in my mouth after reading what your Working Families Party is all about. Healthcare for everyone? Secure retirement plans? Responsibility for one’s actions?

Please. Grow up.

This is AMERICA, Krystine. Not some kind of hippie-land where good will and currency sprout out of the ground as long as we let Mother Sun shine down on it. Understanding your outlook is a huckleberry above my persimmon, if I may say so myself.

Also, I’m NOT joking about my slogans “The Late 1800’s Were Right,” “Bring Back the Tycoons,” and “Upton Sinclair Was a Prick.” I vehemently believe that the late 19th century was a golden age for all.

It was an era when a man could dangle a monopoly just out of America’s reach, and reap in benefit after benefit. It was a time when men, women, and children were all equal — and all worked 3 shifts a day. Even though I was sadly not alive, it is definitely a time peroid more in-line with my personal beliefs.

As a child I remember reading The Jungle in school, and being APPALLED by the way it brought down those beautifully profitable industries. I thought to myself while reading it “GOOD. Get our little hands up in that machinery. That’s where us kids BELONG.” That attitude got me detention, but I never “learned [my] lesson.” I never turned around my “horrendously insensitive attitude.” No. In fact, I only pushed on FURTHER.

When I heard the name of your political party, I thought it was the right one for me. Now I know I was wrong. So, I’ll be starting my own political party called the Pennybags Party, named of course after the wonderfully tycoonish cartoon face of the board game Monopoly. We will fight for these simple readjustments to American society:

1. Banish all laws that stop the rich from getting richer.
2. Banish all laws that tell employers they HAVE to give employees days off, time between shifts, or pay.
3. Demand curly mustaches return into style for any and all making 7 figures or more a year.
4. Replace all eyeglasses with monocles, walkers with canes, and machines with overworked employees.
5. More crosshatching in political cartoons (which will all be PRO wealthy industrialist).

These are the 5 points the Pennybags Party will be fighting day and night for. Politically, we will work our way from the ground upward in order to gain a respectable following to fight your party in the next presidential election. This is why I have moved into a condominium in your neighborhood, Ms. Markowitz, and plan on running for PTA President in your school district under the Pennybags Party Marquee.

Get used to the smell of defeat wafting your way like an old coal chimney, smothering your home, and leaving soot on all your accomplishments.


– Rupert Hornsby