Political Party Animals – Letter 11

Rupert,

Needless to say, Prom night didn’t exactly work out the way we wanted it to. Sure, we got a little buzz going from the Apple Schnapps I slipped into my purse and the shrimp cocktail was spectacular, but any night that ends with you going to jail and me being stripped of my PTA presidency should definitely be labeled “bad”.

I suppose the evening took a turn for the worst when I saw Meghan and Brett together. She just looked so beautiful and I admit I was a bit jealous. While you sat there, nibbling on a piece of bread and editing your acceptance speech, I was tearing that bitch’s dress to shreds… with my mind.

Something snapped when I heard Marty Averman, the class president, announce Meghan and Brett as Prom King and Queen. How dare they! After all that work we put in pretending to be teenagers and handing out pamphlets and buying under-aged kids alcohol! How could we not be Prom King and Queen?

Anyway, that’s why I ran up on stage, punched Meghan in the stomach and started pulling her hair. I get why Brett pulled me off of her and pushed me away, but it was still very gentlemanly of you to punch Brett in the face in my defense. It was even more gentlemanly of you to fight off half of the hockey team while I grabbed the mic and began my speech.

I was going to let you have your turn when I was done, seriously, but as you know that’s when the Principal recognized me. How he noticed me through my ingenious disguise of some makeup and a prom dress is beyond me, but I was staring directly at the end of my PTA career right there.

If my memory serves me correctly, that’s when the cops showed up. I think they were a bit rough on you if you ask me, but you certainly didn’t buy yourself any favors when they came in and you were beating up a bunch of teenagers. Hopefully no one pressed charges.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for a magical night. Despite all of your faults, Rupert, you really know how to treat a lady with respect and tenderness. This was almost the greatest prom a girl could ask for. If anything ever happens between me and my husband and you stop being so obsessed with abusing laborers, maybe there will be a future with us.

Thank you, Rupert Hornsby, for making me feel like a lady.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz

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Political Party Animals – Letter 10

Janet von Gams,

Well, this is just ridiculous.

Megan Williams was supposed to be on my side, and Brett McGregor was supposed to be on your side. We were supposed to be two feuding political ideologies attempting to brainwash the teenagers in Dorland County.

But clearly Megan and Brett were not fully grasping the magnitude of what we were telling them, because if they were they would hate each other the way you and I do and not have fallen in love. Now they are going to the prom TOGETHER and from what I’ve been hearing in the hallways they’re likely to win King and Queen.

Megan tells me that she kept eying Brett at all our rallies and that they hooked up one night at Steve’s party and now they’re a hot item. UGH!

Well, this is why I’m suggesting we fight fire with fire, Ms. Markowitz. Despite the fact that you make me want to throw up all over myself like some drunken teenager who found his parents’ liquor cabinet at a house party he threw while they were out of town, I think we’re going to have to go to the prom together.

We’re going to have to remind these kids that they have to listen to us because Stryker PecsNabs and Janet von Gams are the two coolest d00dz in the school…despite the fact that we’re really middle-aged and using pseudonyms.

But, this doesn’t mean I want you spewing your ideology. Your stupid, stupid ideology. But, in order to be able to say what I want to say and rile these kids into a life of hard work with little reward at a factory I one day wish to own, I’m going to have to compromise and let you give your dumb speech about how you should aim high and believe in yourself and all that bullshit.

So, it’s on. My only request is that you have to make sure you look smokin’ hot. None of that hippie garbage you usually wear. I’ll pick you up Thursday at 7 and we’ll get you a great prom dress. I know a place.

Get ready to win these kids back into the palms of our manipulative hands!

– Stryker PecsNabs

Political Party Animals – Letter 9

Mr. Hornsby,

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that I would even CONSIDER going to prom with you. You’re cruel, vain, and pig-headed. Not to mention your political ideals make we want to BARF! Anyway, I already have a date to prom: Brett McGregor. He’s captain of the hockey team, he blindly listens to everything I tell him about Liberal politics and his Dad lets him drive his Mustang. All I had to do was promise to buy him cigarettes for the next 2 months. A couple packs of cigarettes for the opportunity to have every student respect me and listen to my views on politics? That’s well worth it, don’t you think?

I wouldn’t worry too much about being voted prom king, Brett and I have been hard at work promoting our bid to become prom king and queen. The Working Families flyers I’ve been handing out have a little note on the bottom encouraging the student body to not only place their vote for the Working Families (when they’re old enough), but to place their vote for Janet and Brett.

Once we win, I will give my awe-inspiring speech thanking the students for their support and encouraging them to continue their education and achieve their full potential while remaining loyal to their working class roots. I’ll then hand the mic to Brett and he’ll yell “Go Ice Dawgs!” The audience will be so moved that they may go out and register Working Families right then, which is good because the PTA set up a voter-registration booth in the foyer. Your plan will be quashed and you can go back to… whatever you were doing before you had this ridiculous idea of running for president.

See you at prom. ;-)

-Ms. Janet von Gams

Political Party Animals – Letter 7

Mr. Hornsby,

I have to hand it to you, Rupert, your almost-guaranteed-to-fail Plan B seems to be working. This past week I’ve sent a handful of students home for wearing “WWJPD?” (What Would J.P. Morgan Do?) T-shirts.

What’s worse is that a group of parents have been circulating a petition to remove Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle from our reading list and replace it with Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. While Rand’s philosophical novel is a classic, the parents claim their reason for the replacement is to, “Prevent the Red Plague from infecting our family, schools and country.” This just so happens to draw more than a few parallels with the Red Scare of the 1940’s and 50’s, a dark time in our nation’s history. I am all for students getting a fair balance of view points, but we also mustn’t take a step backwards and teach our children that those of a differing opinion are evil and out to destroy the fabric of American society.

You’ve left me no choice but to move on to my Plan B, which is posing as too-cool-for-school-but-cool-enough-to-hang-around-it-all-day Super-Senior Janet von Gams. I’ll be hanging around outside the Middle Schools, buying the 8th graders cigarettes, giving the teachers the middle finger when they tell me to stop loitering, and explaining the advantages of unions and Universal Health Care. Soon, every student will demand fair treatment of all employees and wish to go to college and have a reasonably successful career. Your plan will be foiled and I will retain my title of President of the Dorland County School District PTA.

I warned you about playing the game with me, Stryker. Now you let the tiger out of the cage. RAR!

-Krystine Markowitz

Political Party Animals – Letter 5

Mr. Hornsby,

Your attempt at manipulating the youth of Dorland County is absolutely deplorable, but what should I expect from a man who thinks that adding “yo” at the end of a sentence will make him more suitable for the presidency of the PTA. I received the polls you had sent out throughout the school district and they are, although quite clever, one of the most clear-cut examples of ugly politics that I have ever experienced.

Although I have faith in my constituency to not fall for your dastardly attempt to confuse them, I have taken the precaution to write a letter home to all of the families of Dorland County. The letter explains how your poll was meant to not only smear my administration but to put a positive spin on child labor in Dorland’s wicker basket factories. I’ve attached a copy of this letter to show you that you have chosen the wrong person to play dirty politics with.

Dear Parents

It has come to my attention that an opinion poll has recently been distributed throughout the elementary schools of the Dorland County School District. I would like to advise you that these surveys are in no way connected with the DCSD PTA but have in fact been distributed by a man looking to exploit your children’s naivety. Below are a few examples of the questions of the surveys:

  • If given the option, would you rather stay in boring old school or work in a factory where all the cool, older people work?
    A. Stay in boring school because I’m a loser.        B. WORK IN A FACTORY! School is for nerds
  • Wouldn’t you like to go on more field trips to the Dorland Wicker Basket factory or Disney Land?
    A. Yes, I love field trips.        B. Yes, I love Disney Land.        C. No,  I have cooties
  • Did you know that HITLER went to school, too?
    A. Oh no, I don’t want to end up like Hitler.        B. Oh no, I wish I could stop going to school right now!

These are just a handful of questions from the disturbing survey. Please do not be alarmed when your child asks you if they can quit school and go work in our town’s factories. This is exactly what this horrible man is trying to instill in our children. We here at the DCSD PTA are working as hard as we can to prevent this man from causing anymore distress to the psyches of our children.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz

Your attempts to confuse and control our children will not be tolerated. But if you want to play, Mr. Hornsby, be forewarned that I wrote the book on this game.

-Krystine Markowitz

Political Party Animals – Letter 3

Mr. Hornsby,

I’m not sure how you found my address, but I’ll admit that it’s a bit off-putting knowing you moved into my neighborhood specifically to exact revenge for your denial of candidacy. I do not know you very well, but I would go so far as to say that this is the most petty thing I’ve ever experienced.

As you may have found out through your discovery of my address, I am the current president of the Dorland County School District PTA. This, of course, leaves me no choice but to crush you like every other opponent from every other political party I’ve faced in the past 14 years. I have absolutely no reason to believe that the lovely people of Dorland County would wish to see a change in policy when they’ve seen a literacy increase of 12% and a 14% increase in the number of 5th grades passing their math aptitude test since I began my tenure. And I haven’t even mentioned the staggeringly profitable Bake Sales!

Although I have begun to notice your campaign posters throughout town, my constituents will surely see through your claim that “Town factory productivity will increase 15 fold” if you are elected PTA president. Yes, I’ve noticed your posters popping up throughout the town. Maybe you misunderstand the role of PTA president like you misunderstood the Working Families Party. The PTA president is in charge of the schools, not our lovely wicker basket factories.

I urge you not to continue to waste money on your campaign and save it to achieve a college degree in somthing other than politics. This is clearly a battle that can not be won, Mr. Hornsby.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz

Political Party Animals – Letter 1

Mr. Hornsby,

Please consider this letter an official rejection of application. We will not be considering you for the United States Presidential candidate for the Working Families Party. We thank you for your interest, but we will be searching for our candidate elsewhere.

There are a handful of reasons why your application was rejected. The main issue is your fundamental misunderstanding of our party’s beliefs. The Working Families Party’s main focus (as our website clearly explains) is to help create a more just world. A world “where politicians are held accountable to working people, instead of big-money backers.” A world “where all of us, no matter where we come from, can find a good job, get healthcare when we need it, afford a home, send our kids to good schools, and have a secure retirement.” Not, as you said in your application letter, to “put those lazy bastards back to work to sweat for the Mother-Land.”

Your campaign slogan, “The Late 1800’s Were Right,” further shows that, if you were to be running for office, you would most likely be the exact opposite of what our party is looking for in terms of appropriate candidates. I am also fairly appalled by the other slogan you included: “Children have gotten off too easy for too long, use their tiny hands to fix machinery.” At this point, Mr. Hornsby, I’m not sure if you’re joking with us or if you’re just a terrible, terrible person.

In case you have not figured this out yet, “The Working Families Party” supports the advancement of working families. We do not, as you apparently believe, wish to “turn families into mini slave-clusters.”

Please refrain from contacting us in the future. We do not wish to find out what kind of human you actually are.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz