Political Party Animals – Letter 11

Rupert,

Needless to say, Prom night didn’t exactly work out the way we wanted it to. Sure, we got a little buzz going from the Apple Schnapps I slipped into my purse and the shrimp cocktail was spectacular, but any night that ends with you going to jail and me being stripped of my PTA presidency should definitely be labeled “bad”.

I suppose the evening took a turn for the worst when I saw Meghan and Brett together. She just looked so beautiful and I admit I was a bit jealous. While you sat there, nibbling on a piece of bread and editing your acceptance speech, I was tearing that bitch’s dress to shreds… with my mind.

Something snapped when I heard Marty Averman, the class president, announce Meghan and Brett as Prom King and Queen. How dare they! After all that work we put in pretending to be teenagers and handing out pamphlets and buying under-aged kids alcohol! How could we not be Prom King and Queen?

Anyway, that’s why I ran up on stage, punched Meghan in the stomach and started pulling her hair. I get why Brett pulled me off of her and pushed me away, but it was still very gentlemanly of you to punch Brett in the face in my defense. It was even more gentlemanly of you to fight off half of the hockey team while I grabbed the mic and began my speech.

I was going to let you have your turn when I was done, seriously, but as you know that’s when the Principal recognized me. How he noticed me through my ingenious disguise of some makeup and a prom dress is beyond me, but I was staring directly at the end of my PTA career right there.

If my memory serves me correctly, that’s when the cops showed up. I think they were a bit rough on you if you ask me, but you certainly didn’t buy yourself any favors when they came in and you were beating up a bunch of teenagers. Hopefully no one pressed charges.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for a magical night. Despite all of your faults, Rupert, you really know how to treat a lady with respect and tenderness. This was almost the greatest prom a girl could ask for. If anything ever happens between me and my husband and you stop being so obsessed with abusing laborers, maybe there will be a future with us.

Thank you, Rupert Hornsby, for making me feel like a lady.

Sincerely,
Krystine Markowitz

Political Party Animals – Letter 10

Janet von Gams,

Well, this is just ridiculous.

Megan Williams was supposed to be on my side, and Brett McGregor was supposed to be on your side. We were supposed to be two feuding political ideologies attempting to brainwash the teenagers in Dorland County.

But clearly Megan and Brett were not fully grasping the magnitude of what we were telling them, because if they were they would hate each other the way you and I do and not have fallen in love. Now they are going to the prom TOGETHER and from what I’ve been hearing in the hallways they’re likely to win King and Queen.

Megan tells me that she kept eying Brett at all our rallies and that they hooked up one night at Steve’s party and now they’re a hot item. UGH!

Well, this is why I’m suggesting we fight fire with fire, Ms. Markowitz. Despite the fact that you make me want to throw up all over myself like some drunken teenager who found his parents’ liquor cabinet at a house party he threw while they were out of town, I think we’re going to have to go to the prom together.

We’re going to have to remind these kids that they have to listen to us because Stryker PecsNabs and Janet von Gams are the two coolest d00dz in the school…despite the fact that we’re really middle-aged and using pseudonyms.

But, this doesn’t mean I want you spewing your ideology. Your stupid, stupid ideology. But, in order to be able to say what I want to say and rile these kids into a life of hard work with little reward at a factory I one day wish to own, I’m going to have to compromise and let you give your dumb speech about how you should aim high and believe in yourself and all that bullshit.

So, it’s on. My only request is that you have to make sure you look smokin’ hot. None of that hippie garbage you usually wear. I’ll pick you up Thursday at 7 and we’ll get you a great prom dress. I know a place.

Get ready to win these kids back into the palms of our manipulative hands!

– Stryker PecsNabs

Political Party Animals – Letter 9

Mr. Hornsby,

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that I would even CONSIDER going to prom with you. You’re cruel, vain, and pig-headed. Not to mention your political ideals make we want to BARF! Anyway, I already have a date to prom: Brett McGregor. He’s captain of the hockey team, he blindly listens to everything I tell him about Liberal politics and his Dad lets him drive his Mustang. All I had to do was promise to buy him cigarettes for the next 2 months. A couple packs of cigarettes for the opportunity to have every student respect me and listen to my views on politics? That’s well worth it, don’t you think?

I wouldn’t worry too much about being voted prom king, Brett and I have been hard at work promoting our bid to become prom king and queen. The Working Families flyers I’ve been handing out have a little note on the bottom encouraging the student body to not only place their vote for the Working Families (when they’re old enough), but to place their vote for Janet and Brett.

Once we win, I will give my awe-inspiring speech thanking the students for their support and encouraging them to continue their education and achieve their full potential while remaining loyal to their working class roots. I’ll then hand the mic to Brett and he’ll yell “Go Ice Dawgs!” The audience will be so moved that they may go out and register Working Families right then, which is good because the PTA set up a voter-registration booth in the foyer. Your plan will be quashed and you can go back to… whatever you were doing before you had this ridiculous idea of running for president.

See you at prom. ;-)

-Ms. Janet von Gams