Political Party Animals – Letter 6

Ms. Markowitz,

Ok, so I’ve resulted to Plan B since you took the “high road” and alerted parents of my plan to try to get Dorland County’s children to willingly work in your wicker basket factories in hopes of raising a generation who share my life-long love for abolishing all labor laws and bringing back the 19th century industrialism.

Plan B is that I’ve been hanging out with teenagers.

Hear me out: everyone knows that children and teens alike are highly gullible (I’m not too sure about tweens. Not enough market research has been done in this area, save to determine that vampires are sexy). I will utilize this gullibility by presenting myself as Stryker PecsNabs: a cooler-than-cool teen who wandered into Dorland County and will be expressing his unique pro-industrialist ideals frequently and LOUDLY.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even throw in some vampire lore if anyone age 11-13 is nearby.

Having to shave my “Tycoon’s-Mustache” was heartbreaking; but I am hoping that “Stryker’s” views on how cool it is to work in factories and make the rich richer and the poor poorer will trickle down from seniors to kindergartners, creating a unstoppable fire inside the youth of this county. A fire that can never be put out, but only contained within the walls of a wicker basket factory.

But, unlike a REAL fire in a wicker basket factory, this will not produce horribly disastrous results. Children, tweens and teens will be happy. Parents will want to work alongside their children, thereby creating ADDITIONAL PROFITS. The wealthy industrialist who owns the wicker basket factory will invite me over for dinner (I’m assuming he or she is a wealthy industrialist. Otherwise I’ve no idea how they became owner of a factory). At dinner we will discuss my candidacy for presidency. They will be so moved by my obvious do-goodery that they will want to throw all of their silver dollars my way in support of my campaign.

I then will tell them that I should probably be in an elected office before running. They will use their power to overthrow you as PTA President of the Dorland County School District, and place me in the throne. This will make my bill for presidency stronger while proving to you that I can beat you in the political arena. Two birds with one wealthy stone.

Oh, and I read your threat of having “wrote the book” on the dirty politics game. Let’s see what you got, Ms. PTA-President-for-14-Years-Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes.

Stryker Out!

– Rupert Hornsby


Political Party Animals – Letter 4

Ms. Markowitz,

I love a good challenge! Too bad this isn’t one of those! BURN!

Do you see what I just did there? I “pwnd” you. Yes, I am learning the language of the American Youth. I am doing this so that I gain their trust and so that they will beg their mommies and daddies to please please please make Rupert Hornsby the president of the Dorland County School District PTA. Then once I have been placed in your current (my future) position, I will obviously make changes. BIG CHANGES!

I will start by having the students take an increasing number of field trips to your wicker basket factories. The children will, no doubt, be moved by the productivity and crave for their little hands to be helping the process. So, we will have a basket making session afterwards. They will fall in love with assembly line work, much like how I did when I was a lad.

You see, Ms. Markowitz, I never intend on forcing any children to work. I believe you have me all wrong. I simply wish to inspire in them the love for constantly working for little to no pay with no benefits and for an unclear ultimate goal that seems to only aid the tycoon at the top of the chain (yo). This is what happened to me as a child, and I wish to inspire in these children the same lust for the 19th century industrialist era.

This is why I sent all the children in the school district polls and survey questions. I have instructed them to send the answers to both myself and to you, Krystine, so that you can read not only the honest questions, but their true desires.

“Catcha latron”!

– Rupert Hornsby