Common Nonsense – Letter 5

Alan the Genius,

You are so right. I don’t know how the simply amazing idea of having a song blast into your ears the second a website loads slipped right past me. You know what they say: sometimes you can obtain a college degree in the subject and work for years as a web designer, and then your brother comes in and blasts you away with his outside the box thinking.

As per your request, I have added a midi file (it’s the high-tech way computers play music) of Any Way You Want It by Journey.

As for how the traffic has been, head to the site and take a look at our webcounter. There are SO MANY HITS that it does not even slow down to give me a proper number!

Check it out for yourself:
http://alanthegenius.angelfire.com/

With a site in such high demand, it is obviously a money-volcano waiting to erupt. I suggest sending discount coupons to various companies to entice them to advertise with you. Sketch up a couple coupon ideas (wording, pictures — however in-depth you’d like to get) and then we can start dispersing them to Fortune500 businesses looking to get even richer.

Your latest bit of advice brought back terrible memories. I never got how you could stand Dad. I despised our odd upbringing. Living without electricity and modern technologies was ridiculous. Sure, maybe if we lived in a cabin in the woods…but we were in NEW YORK CITY. We were the only family on the block — or in the entire borough I bet — who didn’t have a TV, or a phone…or even a working light switch.

I guess that’s why I decided to learn everything about computers. I became technology obsessed.

Also, things with Susan have been going great. Sometimes I’ll admit that I would like a regular conversation rather than wild sex dressed as a caveman; but I’m a tad bit worried if I try that out it may end our relationship as a whole!

I’m reluctant to ask you for advice given that it was following your brilliant advice that drove Carolyn away. But…do you have any pointers?

And please, I don’t want to hear anything about dressing up as a giant sandwich and slathering mayonnaise all over myself. It didn’t work last time and it certainly won’t work this time!

– Rich

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Common Nonsense – Letter 3

Alan,

I must admit that I have not made a website of this caliber in a long while. After I read that you do not know much about web design, yet you had specific demands regarding animated gifs and flaming logos, I felt I knew EXACTLY what you were looking for. Please type this into your web browser to view the page:

http://alanthegenius.angelfire.com/

Also, did you make up that letter? If not, I must say that your advice is pretty brilliant. Allow me to explain.

Last night I was at a bar, minding my own, when I noticed a pretty gal across the way. Normally, I approach and stay respectful, explain that I’m a freelance web-designer, and engage in some small talk. Things go well, but it never really leads to romance. I guess it’s a combination of my job not being all that exciting, my somewhat nervous demeanor, and my profuse sweating.

But last night, I decided to switch things up!

I approached this pretty gal and asked her name. “Susan,” she replied. I said to her, “Susan, I mean no disrespect, but I’ve got a tigerskin caveman outfit at home waiting for just the right lady; and I feel like you’re…that…lady!”

Turns out Susan has a “caveman fetish,” and so we got to shout semantically devoid grunts ALL NIGHT LONG. It was prety wild. And she’s already called me back today!

I really don’t want your advice to be accurate, but…so far so good.

Let me know what you think of the webpage. I feel it perfectly nails everything you think a website should be.

Oh, and send more letters if you got ’em.

Love,

Rich

Common Nonsense – Letter 1

Alan,

Let me start by saying that you shouldn’t have stabbed your wife, even if it was “amidst a flurry of hot passion” as you put it. I don’t know why you thought that would be a good idea.

Furthermore, to stab her with a plastic spork is just absurd. I mean, I know you were eating Taco Bell when she jumped on top of you dressed as a “sexy burrito” (what does that even mean?), but you shouldn’t go THAT FAR with your roleplaying. I’m just glad Lisa is ok. I guess I will never understand your marriage. It seems to be based on odd culinary choices, bizarre interests, and bouts of wild sex.

The last part doesn’t sound too bad, but I still don’t think it qualifies you to run an advice-column website on dating and relationships. And just because I’m your brother and I’m a web-designer doesn’t mean I share your vision. When it comes to the world of relationships and sexuality, I’m definitely not running your way for advice.

But even though I’m not thrilled about it, I’ll help you get it off the ground. What’s one more crazy website added to the internet, right? Send me a couple sample reader-questions and your answers and I’ll get some sketches going. Let me know any specific design elements you want included as well.

And please…try not to be so weird.

Love,

Rich