The Open Road – Letter 6

Mr. Miller,

Now this is what I call trucking! Two cool guys, cruising down Route 40 in their trusted vehicle Barbara, watching a buddy-comedy movie marathon, one hand-cuffed to his seat, and the other meeting lots of sexy girls and making love to them in the back seat of the cab. I love this, Mr. Miller! I want to be a trucker forever!

We’re staying in a small motel on the outskirts of Albuquerque, New Mexico. I can’t tell you where exactly because I’m sure you’ll have half the fleet after us trying to stop us from being movie stars, and that just ain’t happening.

Haha, I’m not sure why I said “we’re,” Eddie is sleeping in the truck tonight because of his little “attempt to assault me,” earlier today. It’s amazing how men can get such quick bursts of strength when they think their livelihood is endangered. I just got a little distracted during Tommy Boy and the truck just went a little into the New Mexico desert. According to Roadgames that stuff is just par for the course for us truckers.

Eddie is playing his role of the “disgruntled vet,” perfectly. He keeps yelling about how I “don’t know how to drive a truck,” or that he’ll “destroy every molecule of my soul once he get released.” He even pretended to hate Twins and knocked himself out half-way through it by smashing his head against the dashboard.

If you’ve begun to worry, Mr. Miller, don’t.  We’ve got this 100% under control. Once we make gobs of money being the funniest friends who don’t always see eye to eye that Hollywood has ever seen we’ll deliver this crap load of popcorn to Saskatoon or whatever. Just trust us, we’re truckers.

Keep an eye out for the previews of our upcoming flick!

-Danny, the trucker

The Open Road – Letter 5

Mr. Miller,

SEND HELP NOW!

After our night in Wichita, Kansas, I briefly thought that Dan was not that bad a guy. Watching Roadgames with him really put me in a good mood. I even called him “Danny” once. I figured if he was going to nag me about it the whole trip (and since his father could fire the hell out of me in a heartbeat) I’d give it a whirl. I cringed, but it went ok. And he smiled like a pig in shit.

Well, my mood changed when I woke up the next morning in the passenger seat of my truck. I had a throbbing headache, and both of my arms were handcuffed down by my side. Dan was nowhere to be found.

I was squirming and yelling for help in that truck for about two hours. All to no avail. Finally Dan arrived back with a portable DVD player and an entire bag full of movies. After screaming my head off at him for quite a while, I finally let him speak. He said that he walked a few miles to the nearest electronics store and bought all this crap for us to watch as we went on our “detour.”

After fantasizing aloud about murdering him, I sat back and accepted my fate for the time being. Dan said his plan was to take us to Hollywood so that we can star in our own buddy comedy about two truckers “from two different worlds who find it tough to see eye-to-eye” trucking across the country and becoming best friends. He said that he had drugged me in the middle of the night (hence the headache) and then dragged me to the truck. He said this would give our buddy comedy “a quirky moment.”

It was then that I reminded him

A. he’s not a trucker
B. I’m not his friend
C. This is now considered a hostage situation
D. Buddy comedies suck about 99% of the time

But it’s no use. He laughs at me like I’m joking around with him all the time and it just makes me want to beat him senseless all the more.

Since I never let him drive Barbara before, he continually stalled the truck and made her gears screech. Poor, poor Barbara. You’ll be back in my hands yet!

He gave me pen and paper for me to write to you, but I think he knows of my open-desires to punch him in the face because he did not remove my handcuffs. I am going to try hard to get my hands free and take over the truck once again. These 500 boxes of microwavable popcorn aren’t going to deliver themselves! And I’m determined to get us back on track and onward to Seattle.

I don’t know why I wrote “us,” since if I do get out of these cuffs I’m throwing him the hell out of Barbara and leaving him to fend for himself on the side of the road.

I sure as hell better think of a plan soon. Another 48 Hours is about to end and I don’t think I can sit through Twins. SEND HELP NOW!

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 4

Mr. Miller,

Trucking is so easy! Eddie was telling me about all these rules that truckers have to follow like you can’t drive for more than 14 hours. Pssh, that’s it? My friends and I have played Halo for WAY longer than that. Just give me a couple cans of Mountain Dew and I could be the greatest truck driver in the world! Sure, I haven’t done any driving per se, but I’ve watched Eddie long enough to know the basics: Press your feet down, jiggle the Slammy-Rod till you go fast, and look like the most miserable man on earth (Eddie does this step perfectly). I’m sure that I’ll be a natural in no time.

Last night we checked into a hotel in Witchita, Kansas and we couldn’t find any good arcades so Eddie decided that we were going to stay in and watch Roadgames, which is some movie about trucking. Is this the only thing that Eddie thinks about? I mean, it’s great that he loves his career and all but why doesn’t he relax with something a bit more light-hearted? Maybe a flick whose main theme is the power of friendship between two heterosexual males. Rush Hour is the first film that comes to mind.

The only two things that kept me from throwing a full-fledged temper tantrum were the mom from Freaky Friday being in it and the very vague hint of this being a light-hearted buddy flick. I mean, there were two people who spent a decent amount of time together and some of the time they were smiling but THAT’S IT! BOOOORIIIIIING.

Eddie and I are a good team, Mr. Miller, don’t get me wrong. We just come from two different worlds so it’s tough for us to see eye-to-eye. I’m Jackie Chan and he’s the blue collar, wise-crackin’ Chris Tucker type. In the end all of our trials and tribulations will bring us closer until we become BEST FRIENDS!

That’s why I’m taking us on a detour.

I’ll write you soon.

-Danny

The Open Road – Letter 3

Mr. Miller,

Dan has been asking me to call him Danny and trying to hug me frequently. I know that this is a sensitive situation because “Danny” is the Company’s Owner’s son, and his dad has a thing for firing people who disagree with him, but I really…REALLY do not want to be walking around calling him “Danny” while he’s reaching for a warm embrace. There’s just something about the way this guy operates that leads me to believe we’ll soon be the laughing stock of any truck stop we enter.

I mean, just today I was trying to talk to him about how lots of times truckers are tempted to run illegal. I was about to explain this by stating how due to the rules requiring that after 14 hours from your begin time on a given day, you need a 10 hour break no matter how many miles you’ve driven. Now you and I know this means that, more often than not, you’ve gotta bend the rules a bit in order to ensure your delivery gets there on time. But do you know what Dan asks me after I tell him truckers may have to run illegal?

“Did you know that the French Dog breed Dogue de Bordeaux was developed for pit fighting in the 15th century? Talk about illegal! Can you imagine that nowadays? Oh Em Gee.”

He then went on to explain that Dogue de Bordeaux was the breed of dog that Hooch was in Turner and Hooch. Are you kidding me?! TURNER AND HOOCH?! I made sure to go to a hotel with a DVD player tonight. We went to a nearby video store and rented Roadgames, quite possibly the best thriller flick with a trucker as the main character. I’m hoping the murderous suspense along with the hot Jamie Lee Curtis will help guide Dan(…ny) towards the right path.

This kid just seems to know way too much about ridiculous buddy comedies and not nearly enough about well, say TRUCKING for instance. But, I figured we’d start small and at least get him into better movies. To think “lighthearted buddy flicks,” as he put it, could be someone’s favorite movie genre is ridiculous. Is it even a genre? I mean, I’m all for stories about two tough guys in a tough situation (like Tango & Cash), but if it drifts into silliness you can count me out.

Anyway, back to business. Since I’m running legal with him (figured if I showed him the ropes, I’d show him right), we were at Birmingham, Alabama yesterday after 14 hours, and today we’re in Wichita, Kansas. I still have no idea why he wants to be a trucker. And I may hate him and the way he blabs on and on about useless facts from shitty movies, but I’ll train him best I can.

Let’s just hope it sticks.

Wish me luck, Alan.

– Eddie