Peter and Andrew – 10th Letter

To my dear friend Andrew,

I write to you with foot stuffed securely in mouth. As I write you this letter, I have right next to me on my desk a reply letter from none other than Mr. Ted Kooser! I read through it, it’s a bit cryptic (you oddball poets are all the same) and there’s a poem written at the bottom. I won’t ruin the surprise for you so I won’t re-write it, but enclosed is the letter from Mr. Kooser. Congratulations, you’ve officially made me look like an idiot for doubting that you’d ever make something of yourself besides night-manager at Wendy’s.

I’m very excited to hear that you’ve finally made it to California and are making friends (although slightly, er, eccentric, they seem kinda cool) and doing what you love. You’re living the AMERICAN DREAM my friend, and if your parents weren’t so concerned with getting you out of jail so often they’d be very proud of you. I have to say, and this may be the first and only time I’ll ever say this, I’m mildly jealous of you. Ugh, I feel all icky after saying that.

I would like to apologize for my bitterness towards you in my last letter. I hope you understand how difficult it is for me to continue my life without Cheryl. Since that fateful night I now call “The Evening of Sullen Intrascrotal Hematoma” I’ve gotten fired for an intense slide in production (who could blame me?) and have been watching re-runs of Pete and Pete and eating nothing but Manwiches. I was extremely broken up about the situation, as you can tell. I finally got a chance to speak with Cheryl recently and I got a chance to find out how much of a filthy whore-skank she really is. She felt that since the relationship is over and there’s no need to please the other person, it was alright for her to list the dudes she had slept with while we were dating. There were… a couple.

So I’ve reached an impasse. Do I stick here with no job, girl, or friends? Well, as fun as it might seem, I may be done with this boring life I’m leading. If your offer still stands, I’m packing up and moving to California to finally pursue my life-long dream of becoming a marine life taxidermist. I KNOW, it sounds crazy, but this just may be the thing that finally makes me happy! I’m sending over your porn stash and some of my stuff right now and I’ll be in San Francisco International Airport a week from today. GET READY! It’s time to reunite the devastating duo of Pete and Andy. PREPARE FOR IMPACT!

Foreverfully the dudest of your friends,

Pete

Peter and Andrew – 9th Letter

Peter,

I hope this letter finds you better than last I had heard from you. I do apologize for waiting 2 weeks to write you back, but as you will tell after reading this letter, I have been quite busy. I also apologize for “destroying the one thing about [your] life that made [you] really happy.” But, come on, man: Cheryl kneed you in the balls. You don’t need a woman like that. You need a woman who will be accepting of you and your friends, regardless of how many lewd statuettes this friend creates with her face on them, no matter how often this friend needs money, no matter how often this friend gets arrested at a Coffee Shop in Salt Lake City for bringing a dead guinea pig into the establishment and gets forcefully ejected while he accidentally (it slipped out) screams “BLACK POWER!” Yes…that is the kind of woman you need. And she’s out there, man! Let me tell you, dreams can come true…

That was a perfect segue for me to start talking about myself. Peter, I know you will be glad to find out that I am in California now, and I truly do love the air, the weather, and the respect artists like me receive. Let me tell you the tale of how I made it to, what we Californians like to call, “The Western-Most State Where Life’s a Piece of Cake” (TWMSWLaPoC for short. It’s catching on with my roommates)

Last I wrote to you I told you that I was “in hiding.” This really meant that I was sleeping around the back side of the Post Office, waiting for what I assumed to be a package of money from my parents which they intended on having me use to fly back home to New York.

Well, it wasn’t long before the police found me thanks to loitering charges being brought up against me. Apparently, the police nicely told me that my parents weren’t going to send me a package, but rather that it would be arranged for them to be billed for my flight. I was escorted to the airport by an officer, and I must admit that for a minute I thought I would be going home. But luckily for me (and for POETRY), a crisis occurred a few miles away from the airport which demanded the officer’s attention. Seeing as though I was set up in the system to have my parents billed, the officer brought me to the cashier and told me to explain to them the story (which he said they would already be aware of), as he rushed out the door.

It was then I came up with the idea of saying I lived in California, which apparently WORKED somehow. Then, oh then, my good friend Peter, I boarded a plane headed towards TWMSWLaPoC!

I landed in the San Francisco International Airport. The flight was pleasant. I flew a non-stop coach flight which lasted one hour. While in the air, I wrote this poem:

airborne/
not.for.the.cough.cough/
but.the.birds.do.fly/
without.wings.in.the.summer/
it.is.desire/
the.desire.of.man/
pretzels.anyone/

I meandered about on foot until I found a coffee shop. Upon going in, I met Gabriel, ThOmas (rhymes with “dough mAHs”), and 2j90 (I found out while she was drunk that her birth name was Francine). These three artists were living in an apartment a little bit away, and after a bit of chatting they QUICKLY accepted me! Not only am I now living with them, but my poetry is being more appreciated than ever.

Gabriel works in film. He does “Lens-Cap Art.” As far as I can tell from the 8 hour movie marathon he made us all watch one night, this means that he creates independent films while leaving the lens-cap on his camera.

ThOmas works in the post office as a “Post Artisan.” He puts a small “o” in the corner of every piece of mail he receives in to send out. He has claimed to be one of the widest regarded artists in the country today, since the San Francisco Post Office mails letters all over the USA. As far as I can tell, his art is pointless.

2j90 specializes in “Night Terror Art.” She leaves a camera on every night and records her night terrors. She hopes to one day have an exhibit displaying her terrors on various nights. As far as I can tell from the 8 hour movie marathon she made us all watch, the only difference between one night to the next is her pajamas. Other than that, she always screams for nearly an hour, during which the only words I can ever make out are “THE LUDICROUS LIFESTYLE! HARK! HARK! HARK! HARK!”

They often call me Classic Andy, since I have such a classic approach to the arts. They regard my poetry as fantastic. 2j90 even said that if she were not asexual, she would highly consider me a love interest due to how well I keep in touch with my emotions through my art.

They do expect me to pay rent, however. I know in your letter you said that you would not be sending me any more money “for obvious reasons,” but if there is any money in the donation tin, or if Ted Kooser has responded to my letter with any cash offerings, please send that, with your reply, over to the return address on this envelope. In the meantime, I am going to shop around my poetry to all nearby publications and hope to make a profit off that. Plus, there’s a help wanted sign in a video store nearby that I may inquire about.

As long as I ruined your life and you have no reason to be in New York, you may want to consider quitting that awful job of yours, changing your name to something more “artistic,” showcasing some hidden talent of yours, and moving in with Gabriel, ThOmas, 2j90 and I. We have been calling ourselves “The only living 4,” but I suppose we can change that to a 5 if you decide to come! I’ll gladly share half of my couch with you for sleeping arrangements. Also, 2j90 has some non-asexual friends that you may be able to showcase your newly-acquired sense of wine tasting to!

Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks for not wanting me to die. I also hope you are both alive and well.

through.the.stars.and.the.dead.of.space/

andrew