Common Nonsense – Letter 2

Richard,

Let me start off by saying that you should not criticize that which you do not understand. My relationship with my wife is so complex and deep that sometimes even I can’t comprehend it. All you need to know is that Lisa and I are madly in love and we’re not going to let a mere spork stabbing mess that up. If you must know what a “sexy burrito” is, it’s when Lisa dresses up in her Snuggie and I douse her with hot sauce. I just got a little excited when the “feast” commenced. Can you blame me?

Anyway, this is exactly why I am qualified to run an advice-column. If I can deal with the shit that Lisa and I put each other through on a daily basis, I can easily handle anyone else’s “problems.”

So far I’ve gotten only one response from my post in Craigslist, but here it is:

Dear Alan the Genius,
I am a 42 year old man and I’ve been married to my wife for 6 years. Things had been going very well up until a couple of months ago when it appears that she no longer wishes to have sex with me. She is always coming up with excuses like “my head hurts,” or “I’m so tired from work.” This has put quite a strain on our relationship and I’m not sure what to do. Please help.
Sincerely,
Apparently Unattractive

Dear Apparently Unattractive,
First of all, why the hell would your parents name you that? Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. What is it, Eastern European or something? This is probably your first problem.
Your second problem, I’m assuming, is that you are not presenting yourself correctly to your wife. If you are kindly requesting sex from your wife, you’re doing it wrong. Studies have shown (no I don’t have to show them, shutup) that a majority of women look for a dominant man, a man who can kill a rabid wolf with his bare hands and bench press
at least 250 pounds. It goes back to when we were cavemen or some shit.
Now, listen to me very carefully – go out, buy yourself a caveman costume. Make sure it’s made of tiger skin, the seduction will not work if it’s not. Approach your wife, grab her forcefully by the nose and grunt loudly directly into her ear. “RUUUUUUUUUUUUUG” is approximately what you should say, but feel free to take some liberties with the pronunciation. She will be so intimated/aroused (basically the same feeling, as studies have shown) that she will no longer be able to resist you. After that, just hang on for the ride, Tarzan.
You’re Welcome,
Alan the Genius

There, what do you think? I gave myself a “stage name” for marketing purposes, but it works on so many levels that I’m thinking about making you call me that, too.

I don’t know much about websites so I’m going to leave most of the design up to you. Make sure there are at least 3 animated gifs and the “A” and “G” in my name are on fire. Thanks Rich, this really means a lot to me.

Your favorite brother,
Alan the Genius

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Common Nonsense – Letter 1

Alan,

Let me start by saying that you shouldn’t have stabbed your wife, even if it was “amidst a flurry of hot passion” as you put it. I don’t know why you thought that would be a good idea.

Furthermore, to stab her with a plastic spork is just absurd. I mean, I know you were eating Taco Bell when she jumped on top of you dressed as a “sexy burrito” (what does that even mean?), but you shouldn’t go THAT FAR with your roleplaying. I’m just glad Lisa is ok. I guess I will never understand your marriage. It seems to be based on odd culinary choices, bizarre interests, and bouts of wild sex.

The last part doesn’t sound too bad, but I still don’t think it qualifies you to run an advice-column website on dating and relationships. And just because I’m your brother and I’m a web-designer doesn’t mean I share your vision. When it comes to the world of relationships and sexuality, I’m definitely not running your way for advice.

But even though I’m not thrilled about it, I’ll help you get it off the ground. What’s one more crazy website added to the internet, right? Send me a couple sample reader-questions and your answers and I’ll get some sketches going. Let me know any specific design elements you want included as well.

And please…try not to be so weird.

Love,

Rich