The Open Road – Letter 9

Mr. Miller,

It’s day two in Hollywood, and I never thought I’d say it, but I’m beginning to think this ain’t too bad a place. There’s plenty of sunshine, fresh air, and bacon to go around.

Danny’s actually beginning to grow on me too. Yes, the asshole handcuffed me to Barbara, my beloved truck, and re-routed us here. But you know what? That took a hell of a lot of balls. If that little twerp can manage to handcuff ME to a passenger seat and bring us to Hollywood instead of Seattle, maybe he’s got what it takes to be a trucker after all.

Yesterday at the diner Danny read me his letter to you. And as the words he spoke entered my ears, they smuggled along with them a bit of respect for the kid.

I decided to bring him into a diner instead of leaving him on the side of the road because, as I’m sure you know, being victorious in a good brawl brings out the best in a man. And as he recounted the tale of my beating the living shit out of those stupid ass video game geeks and knocking him unconscious with a single punch, I realized that we actually DO make a good team.

I’m the brawn, and he’s…the one with the money and video game skills. He’s got just the right balance of fear and respect for me, which is the only way to gain my approval. And maybe with a little polishing, trucKING Royalty can really be made into a great flick.

So, being a good trucker, I’ve had one of the guys pick up our load for us. It’s on the way to Seattle as we speak. Danny seems to have an unending supply of cash thanks to his dad, so we’ll be staying here in Hollywood for a bit.

I already wrangled my way into a position as a security guard for a major motion picture studio. The plan Danny and I have so far is to either become a well-respected staff member and respectfully request a meeting with a producer, or sneak in during the middle of the night and replace every shooting script with ours.

We’re not sure which direction to head in yet.

But either way, we’ll keep you posted on our whereabouts — I’m sure Danny’s father probably wants to make sure he’s still alive.

Wish us luck,

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 2

Mr. Miller,

I can’t thank you enough for pairing me up with Eddie for my first real cross-country trip. Eddie’s one of those real, no BS, tough-as-nails truckers who I know I can learn a lot from. A lot of people said it was a bad idea to send the Company’s owner’s son out on the road with none of the “proper training,” or “experience with trucks,” but Dad showed them by firing their asses. Now, it’s time for me to show them by making it through this trek without any incidents.

I can already tell Eddie and I are starting to become pretty close friends. If I had to compare us to any crime –fighting duo out of a 1989 action/comedy, I’d probably pick Turner and Hooch. I’d be Turner, of course, because of my handsomeness and boyish charm. Eddie would be Hooch because he’s difficult to pick up (I tried to when I gave him my “Pleased to meet you” hug) and he drools A LOT when he sleeps. He also mutters stuff about Teri Hatcher when he’s asleep, which is kind of odd.

Eddie doesn’t let me do much, which I kind of respect. He’s a lone wolf, the kind of guy who fends for himself and doesn’t ask anything from anybody. He doesn’t let me drive, do cargo checks, or speak. He comes off as a bit of a hard-ass, but deep down inside I know there’s a whipped-peanut-butter-filled center. Even now as he writes his letter to you, his eyes are all squinty and he’s furrowing his brow trying REALLY HARD not to misspell any words. It’s adorable.

I’ll be sure to keep you updated on our adventure to the great North West and thanks again for this tremendous opportunity.


The Open Road – Letter 1

Mr. Miller,

It’s been only 1 day driving with Dan and already I can’t stand him.

I know that the trucking company wanted to “show him the ropes” by having him travel with an obviously experienced trucker, such as myself, but it’s honestly excruciating to deal with him. There are so many ways in which this guy needs to shape up if he wants to ride in the big leagues.

I feel like I’m in some less action-packed, unfunny version of Tango & Cash. And I’m not even too sure which one I’d be in this scenario. I guess Cash, because I’m hoping Dan’s got a hot Teri Hatcher-esque sister I can get with. This is the idea that has got me through the day without strangling him.

Mr. Miller, you know that I have nothing but respect for you. You’ve always had my back, and I appreciate that. However, I’m not too sure how I’m going to make the trip from Miami to Seattle with this guy.

Consider this my first status letter. As discussed, I will be sending these frequently, reporting my progress towards Seattle, and my expert opinion on Dan’s progress. Dan is sitting quietly across from me at this truck stop, penning his letter to you. God only knows what his take on Day 1 is.

I’ll be writing to you soon. Take care, and wish me luck.

– Eddie