The Open Road – Letter 14

Mr. Miller,

Good news! We’ve officially wrapped shooting for our cinema masterpiece,  trucKING Royalty! Earlier today, we completed the heart-warming ending when the audience thinks that I get shot in the heart by the crazy bad guy (played by Seth Green). Just after Eddie kills Seth, he runs over to me and cries out, “Curse you, bad guy, and curse this wild and reckless trucking lifestyle! Trucking killed my Danny… MY FRIEND!” It’s extremely touching and probably Oscar worthy. Then, as Eddie begins to pick me up to take me into the truck, I START COUGHING AND COMING BACK TO LIFE!

Eddie looks at me with astonishment – he saw me get shot in the chest! How could I have possibly survived that? Well, it turns out the bullet hit THE KEYS TO THE TRUCK IN MY FRONT SHIRT POCKET! How is that for a creative and totally-never-used-before plot twist? Trucking didn’t kill his Danny, trucking saved his Danny! I tell Eddie, “Come on, let’s go get some bacon and Natty Ice… on me,” which is a pun because earlier in the movie Eddie punches me and pours beer all over me (a moment of amazing improvisation by Eddie). We then hop into Barbara (obviously played by another truck with way more flame decals) and drive off into the sun set.

I’m pretty positive that we’re guaranteed AT LEAST Best Film if Mr. Scorsese holds his end of the bargain and adds more explosions and gun fights.

Tomorrow’s wrap party should be pretty exciting. I know Eddie is worried that we’ll be black-listed from Hollywood once we reveal our true identities, but I couldn’t imagine anyone being mad. If anything, they would probably appreciate the amount of moxie and acting expertise needed to pretend to be a talented actor for the entire length of a shoot (it worked for the entirety of Ben Affleck’s career – HO! ZING!).

We’ll let you know how the party works out. Tell Dad that Mr. Redford said that his role is “the most challenging yet ultimately most satisfying role he’s ever had the pleasure of portraying.”


The Open Road – Letter 12

Mr. Miller,

I’m writing to you right now from Mr. Harvey Keitel’s luxury hotel suite. More specifically, the hot tub of Mr. Harvey Keitel’s luxury hotel suite, so I apologize for any bubble-bath smudges on this letter. Mr. Keitel was kind enough to invite me and Eddie out for a night on the town to thank us for casting him in trucKING Royalty. Any idea who he’s playing? Go ahead, guess.

Did you guess yourself? GREAT GUESS YOU’RE THE SMARTEST DUDE! You see, I really liked him in Little Nicky (despite it’s status as a non-light-hearted-buddy-flick) and our producer, Mr. Feinberg, said he could “pull some strings” and make it happen. So he pulled said strings and here I am playing Halo 3 with Mark Wahlberg (playing Mr. Feinberg) and Robert Redford (playing my Dad) in hot tub filled with Perrier. Eddie just got his room service consisting of caviar covered bacon and a six-pack of Natty-Light. As you can tell, things are going pretty well.

Mr. Feinberg is apparently such a huge Burt Reynolds fan (he still thinks we’re Burt and Orlando) that he gave us a movie deal despite our script being all of 17 pages long. Apparently that’s about 17 minutes of filming. Eddie seems a bit worried about the length, but I know Mr. Scorsese (he’s directing, by the way) will fill in the rest with lots of dramatic monologues and gun fights. Marty says this will be the Citizen Kane of light-hearted buddy flicks, and I tend to believe him.

The only draw back of pretending to be Orlando Bloom is having to wear this Legolas costume all the time. People keep asking me to show off my archery skills, but I keep telling them I’ve got a wrist injury from punching an Uruk-hai. It’s flawless logic, I’m not worried about getting caught AT ALL.

We’ll send you tickets to the premier, you’re going to LOVE this movie!