The Open Road – Letter 13

Mr. Miller,

Shooting is going well on trucKING Royalty. As Danny mentioned to you in his last letter, we only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting — the rest will be filled with action sequences and dramatic monologues.

I should say that I only have to do about 17 minutes of shooting. Since everyone still believes me to be Burt Reynolds, they’ve told me that a man of my “caliber” doesn’t need to worry about drama or action. a Stunt Double will fill in for the latter, and the former isn’t a part of my character’s shtick.

Danny on the other hand (or, “Orlando Bloom” I should say) is thought of as a “young go-getter” on the Hollywood scene. And due to his inclusion in the Lord of the Rings films, everyone expects a lot from him. Danny’s been jumping off trucks and dodging explosions, while I kick back in my trailer enjoying a 6-pack of Natty Ice and the most elegant bacon you’ve ever indulged in.

There is, however, one problem. When we mentioned getting paid in wads of cash for the film, our producer just laughed and said “obviously your payment will be directly deposited into the bank accounts we have on file for you guys.”

I believe that this means that one morning the REAL Burt Reynolds and Orlando Bloom will wake up to having a huge paycheck deposited into their checking accounts, and Eddie and Danny right here will leave Hollywood just the same as they entered it.

Danny’s not too worried about this, since his father already gives him a steady supply of cash each week. But I don’t have any such luck. And as you recall, we sent my beautiful truck Barbara up the coast to Seattle with our payload — so there goes that paycheck.

I’m not too sure how to solve this problem, but I’ve been thinking about punching someone. Danny has a different plan: the last day of shooting is very soon, and he says that he plans on having us rip off our disguises and show everyone who is working on the film the real Danny and Eddie. He claims they’ll have no option but to respect us and make us the Hollywood stars we deserve to be given trucKING Royalty‘s brilliance in the light-hearted buddy-flick genre.

I don’t know if his plan is going to work yet, but by the next time we speak, the shit will have already hit the fan, for better or worse. I’m not too sure when shit hitting a fan is for the best, but I’m hoping that this will be the first time that analogy works in a positive manner.

Wish us luck, you old dog, you.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 9

Mr. Miller,

It’s day two in Hollywood, and I never thought I’d say it, but I’m beginning to think this ain’t too bad a place. There’s plenty of sunshine, fresh air, and bacon to go around.

Danny’s actually beginning to grow on me too. Yes, the asshole handcuffed me to Barbara, my beloved truck, and re-routed us here. But you know what? That took a hell of a lot of balls. If that little twerp can manage to handcuff ME to a passenger seat and bring us to Hollywood instead of Seattle, maybe he’s got what it takes to be a trucker after all.

Yesterday at the diner Danny read me his letter to you. And as the words he spoke entered my ears, they smuggled along with them a bit of respect for the kid.

I decided to bring him into a diner instead of leaving him on the side of the road because, as I’m sure you know, being victorious in a good brawl brings out the best in a man. And as he recounted the tale of my beating the living shit out of those stupid ass video game geeks and knocking him unconscious with a single punch, I realized that we actually DO make a good team.

I’m the brawn, and he’s…the one with the money and video game skills. He’s got just the right balance of fear and respect for me, which is the only way to gain my approval. And maybe with a little polishing, trucKING Royalty can really be made into a great flick.

So, being a good trucker, I’ve had one of the guys pick up our load for us. It’s on the way to Seattle as we speak. Danny seems to have an unending supply of cash thanks to his dad, so we’ll be staying here in Hollywood for a bit.

I already wrangled my way into a position as a security guard for a major motion picture studio. The plan Danny and I have so far is to either become a well-respected staff member and respectfully request a meeting with a producer, or sneak in during the middle of the night and replace every shooting script with ours.

We’re not sure which direction to head in yet.

But either way, we’ll keep you posted on our whereabouts — I’m sure Danny’s father probably wants to make sure he’s still alive.

Wish us luck,

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 8

Mr. Miller,

Hollywood has treated us quite worse than I had expected. Although our trip hasn’t been entirely fruitless, it appears that getting a movie deal involves a little more than just being in Hollywood. That’s alright, I’ve got plenty of time and a decent sum of money to get the greatest Lighthearted Buddy Comedy in the history of everything made.

The evening I arrived in Hollywood I met up with a couple of my Halo buddies for a tournament in order to earn my budget for the flick. I’m admittedly pretty dominant thanks to Dad paying for lessons, so I breezed through the first couple of rounds. I made it to the final match and it just so happened that I was facing the largest and most muscular member of a rival crew, “Teh Crunkpwnrz.” I got the decisive victory, but this gentleman was none too happy about some of my post-game comments (I still stand by my calling him the Loserest Loser of Losingberg) and he and his crew started to chase me down.

I managed to escape them for a bit, but they pursued me all the way back to the truck. I explained to Eddie my situation and was faced with a difficult decision. Do I release Eddie and run the risk of him beating me down for his imprisonment or keep him chained up and receive the beating of a lifetime? I couldn’t possibly defend myself against all Teh Crunkpwnrz!

I released Eddie and he proceeded to bash each Crunkpwnr into oblivion. Who knew that a 30-something grizzled trucker could handle a handful of 16-20 year-olds obsessed with video gaming? Then he knocked me out with a single punch to the side of the head.

I woke up in a diner with Eddie sitting across from me, eating a plateful of bacon. He handed me a pen and paper and told me to write you.

I hope I’ve convinced Eddie enough to stay in Hollywood with me and get our movie made. It would be the ultimate ending to our epic journey and I would probably cry the entire way up to Seattle if he didn’t stay.

-Danny

The Open Road – Letter 7

Mr. Miller,

Continually being handcuffed to the passenger seat of this truck is starting to piss me off. Dan had me sleep in the truck last night out of fear that I would beat him in the face with my fists. I must say that he is beginning to catch on to my repeated threats of assault. Good for him.

He woke up God knows how early to begin the 12 hour haul from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Hollywood. We arrived about an hour ago and have been sitting in the truck, pulled over into the shoulder on the Hollywood Freeway, amidst all the litter and broken dreams.

Dan has been thinking of the best move to make next. His first idea was to drive over to Paramount Studios with an outline for his screenplay (titled trucKING Royalty), and “naturally assume shooting would start later that day.”

Now I may not be some Hollywood Star, but I sincerely doubt that all it takes to get a major motion picture studio to begin work on your 1-page screenplay outline is to “show up in a truck and let nature take its course,” as Dan mentioned. I attempted to convince him of this, but it’s no use. I only temporarily halted this embarrassing moment while Dan ponders the best place to park Barbara in Hollywood while he gets us suits to show up in.

Another idea of his is to meet up with some of his “Halo buddies” (apparently it’s some video game. GOD, does everything have to be about “buddies” with this guy?!). There’s a tournament in LA tonight, and apparently you can win money by playing this video game. He assures me that many of Hollywood’s social elite are also addicted to this game, so while there he can network and get his screenplay in the hands of a studio executive.

As much as I bitch and complain about this situation, I must admit that I have a small, small hope in the pit of my stomach that this movie deal will actually go through. Dan has stated he’ll split the money 50/50 with me. That cash would be great. And plus, the whole idea of being a famous movie star ain’t bad either.

Who knows what’ll happen next. But even if I get rich thanks to Dan, I’m still gonna punch the little prick in the neck for handcuffing me to this seat. At least the last buddy film he showed was Some Like it Hot. That Norma Jeane’s quite the looker.

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 6

Mr. Miller,

Now this is what I call trucking! Two cool guys, cruising down Route 40 in their trusted vehicle Barbara, watching a buddy-comedy movie marathon, one hand-cuffed to his seat, and the other meeting lots of sexy girls and making love to them in the back seat of the cab. I love this, Mr. Miller! I want to be a trucker forever!

We’re staying in a small motel on the outskirts of Albuquerque, New Mexico. I can’t tell you where exactly because I’m sure you’ll have half the fleet after us trying to stop us from being movie stars, and that just ain’t happening.

Haha, I’m not sure why I said “we’re,” Eddie is sleeping in the truck tonight because of his little “attempt to assault me,” earlier today. It’s amazing how men can get such quick bursts of strength when they think their livelihood is endangered. I just got a little distracted during Tommy Boy and the truck just went a little into the New Mexico desert. According to Roadgames that stuff is just par for the course for us truckers.

Eddie is playing his role of the “disgruntled vet,” perfectly. He keeps yelling about how I “don’t know how to drive a truck,” or that he’ll “destroy every molecule of my soul once he get released.” He even pretended to hate Twins and knocked himself out half-way through it by smashing his head against the dashboard.

If you’ve begun to worry, Mr. Miller, don’t.  We’ve got this 100% under control. Once we make gobs of money being the funniest friends who don’t always see eye to eye that Hollywood has ever seen we’ll deliver this crap load of popcorn to Saskatoon or whatever. Just trust us, we’re truckers.

Keep an eye out for the previews of our upcoming flick!

-Danny, the trucker

The Open Road – Letter 5

Mr. Miller,

SEND HELP NOW!

After our night in Wichita, Kansas, I briefly thought that Dan was not that bad a guy. Watching Roadgames with him really put me in a good mood. I even called him “Danny” once. I figured if he was going to nag me about it the whole trip (and since his father could fire the hell out of me in a heartbeat) I’d give it a whirl. I cringed, but it went ok. And he smiled like a pig in shit.

Well, my mood changed when I woke up the next morning in the passenger seat of my truck. I had a throbbing headache, and both of my arms were handcuffed down by my side. Dan was nowhere to be found.

I was squirming and yelling for help in that truck for about two hours. All to no avail. Finally Dan arrived back with a portable DVD player and an entire bag full of movies. After screaming my head off at him for quite a while, I finally let him speak. He said that he walked a few miles to the nearest electronics store and bought all this crap for us to watch as we went on our “detour.”

After fantasizing aloud about murdering him, I sat back and accepted my fate for the time being. Dan said his plan was to take us to Hollywood so that we can star in our own buddy comedy about two truckers “from two different worlds who find it tough to see eye-to-eye” trucking across the country and becoming best friends. He said that he had drugged me in the middle of the night (hence the headache) and then dragged me to the truck. He said this would give our buddy comedy “a quirky moment.”

It was then that I reminded him

A. he’s not a trucker
B. I’m not his friend
C. This is now considered a hostage situation
D. Buddy comedies suck about 99% of the time

But it’s no use. He laughs at me like I’m joking around with him all the time and it just makes me want to beat him senseless all the more.

Since I never let him drive Barbara before, he continually stalled the truck and made her gears screech. Poor, poor Barbara. You’ll be back in my hands yet!

He gave me pen and paper for me to write to you, but I think he knows of my open-desires to punch him in the face because he did not remove my handcuffs. I am going to try hard to get my hands free and take over the truck once again. These 500 boxes of microwavable popcorn aren’t going to deliver themselves! And I’m determined to get us back on track and onward to Seattle.

I don’t know why I wrote “us,” since if I do get out of these cuffs I’m throwing him the hell out of Barbara and leaving him to fend for himself on the side of the road.

I sure as hell better think of a plan soon. Another 48 Hours is about to end and I don’t think I can sit through Twins. SEND HELP NOW!

– Eddie

The Open Road – Letter 4

Mr. Miller,

Trucking is so easy! Eddie was telling me about all these rules that truckers have to follow like you can’t drive for more than 14 hours. Pssh, that’s it? My friends and I have played Halo for WAY longer than that. Just give me a couple cans of Mountain Dew and I could be the greatest truck driver in the world! Sure, I haven’t done any driving per se, but I’ve watched Eddie long enough to know the basics: Press your feet down, jiggle the Slammy-Rod till you go fast, and look like the most miserable man on earth (Eddie does this step perfectly). I’m sure that I’ll be a natural in no time.

Last night we checked into a hotel in Witchita, Kansas and we couldn’t find any good arcades so Eddie decided that we were going to stay in and watch Roadgames, which is some movie about trucking. Is this the only thing that Eddie thinks about? I mean, it’s great that he loves his career and all but why doesn’t he relax with something a bit more light-hearted? Maybe a flick whose main theme is the power of friendship between two heterosexual males. Rush Hour is the first film that comes to mind.

The only two things that kept me from throwing a full-fledged temper tantrum were the mom from Freaky Friday being in it and the very vague hint of this being a light-hearted buddy flick. I mean, there were two people who spent a decent amount of time together and some of the time they were smiling but THAT’S IT! BOOOORIIIIIING.

Eddie and I are a good team, Mr. Miller, don’t get me wrong. We just come from two different worlds so it’s tough for us to see eye-to-eye. I’m Jackie Chan and he’s the blue collar, wise-crackin’ Chris Tucker type. In the end all of our trials and tribulations will bring us closer until we become BEST FRIENDS!

That’s why I’m taking us on a detour.

I’ll write you soon.

-Danny