Team Deathray – Letter 4


Holy Moley! My heart’s doing triple-somersault 180’s at the thought of you becoming a true member of the “clan.” I really always liked you Scott, but let’s be honest, things have not been exactly right since you told my mother she had “the backbone of a worm with scoliosis,” when she obliged my request for seconds of her plum-rhubarb pie. I’ll refrain from delving into the biological inaccuracies of the statement but rest assured the family was at the very least slightly offended and at the very most fairly perturbed by your comment.

But enough chit-chat, let’s get to work. So, you want to be a vegan-friendly, tree-hugging hippie? You just so happen to have chosen the perfect mentor! I am EXTREMELY friendly to vegans (some may say too much so) and I’ve been known to hug a tree every now and again, usually after I’ve made some of my PCP brownies. It’s going to be a vegan-marshmallow, soy-based rocky road ahead (haha, see what I did THERE?), being carefree, loving, and addicted to hallucinogenic is not as easy as it may seem. But if you truly want to be as close to my sister as I am, you HAVE to do this. Wait, is that weird?

I’ll be shipping over some more… suitable clothes for you that I’ve had in my attic since I was fat and unaware of the magic of veganism. They may fit you differently since you’re a huge, hulking mass of sexy man, but they’ll serve their purpose for the time being. Soon you’ll make your own hemp clothes like the rest of us and you’ll at least look the part. We’ll start small with this as well as you giving up meat completely. You see, Scott, our clan is not only made up of us humans, but also a number of our animal friends. There’s Sun Beam our tabby cat, Moonbeam our Shih-Tzu, Steel Beam our donkey and Jim Beam (my dad’s name, silly him) our gold fish, just to name a few. I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate you consuming any of their cousins when there’s a perfectly good tofu replacement for them.

So I’ll see you at 9am tomorrow, bright and early, for our first yoga lessons. OH GOSHBALLS, THIS IS SO EXCITING! See you then.


Team Deathray – Letter 3


Your letter enraged every fiber of my being. This is why after reading it, I went over to your place to give you a talking to. But when I got there, I read the note on your open door that said “Out with my hackey-sack club. But come in and rest your weary head, friend.” Let me just say that it is absolutely insane of you to leave your door wide open when you are not home.

When I got back to my place, Sunny had already begun eating your “famous barbecue tempeh strips.” She said to me “oh, you’ve got to try these, Scott. My brother makes such GREAT vegan cuisine!” Because I love your sister, I tasted one.

It was one of the worst things I have ever put in my mouth. It tasted a bit like what I imagine eating a live frog would taste like. It went on an unending conquest in my mouth that scorched the earth of my taste buds — making other flavors unnoticeable for the next few hours.

This set me off, and Sunny and I got into one of our famous one-sided arguments. I started yelling about how your family is insane, has terrible cooking skills, and does not take volleyball seriously enough. She just laughed and told me that I should remember the Samsara and try to reduce the anger in my “karmic account balance” so as to be one step closer to “Moksha.” I stormed out of the room.

Love is a funny thing, Phil. I never thought I would fall in love with such a free spirited person like your sister. I am a meat, potatoes, and anger man myself. I come from a long line of hard working, angry people that didn’t have time between working the land and maintaining adequate animal husbandry to debate the Four Noble Truths according to the Pali Tipitaka. But love is a strange wildebeest. And here I am today with a wedding band around my finger and a picture of your sister in my wallet.

But enough of that sentimental bullhockey. I hope that Sunny told you that I did not attend your family’s bizarre drum circle because I practiced volleyball alone. I put the net up to the house and would throw the ball onto the roof. It rolled off the roof, over the net, and I would bump, set, and spike it by myself. I did this for a few hours, then went inside to formulate plans for our upcoming game.

However, I came to a depressing realization when drawing up game plans. I know that this game will go as poorly as the last one. You are all completely un-dedicated, nature loving hippies.

But, I love Sunny with all my heart. So, I need your help, Philip. That’s right, despite the fact that I utterly despise you, I need you to help me tolerate you and your familial “clan.” I am worried that if I continue my immense hatred towards everyone in Sunny’s life, she may leave me.

And an added bonus would be that perhaps by tolerating you, we could all work better together as a team, and take Team Deathray all the way to the top of this recreational beach volleyball league! Like in one of those cheesy movies where the underdog wins everything in the end and everyone’s happy and the team capital gets all the accolades. I would LOVE accolades. I DESERVE accolades.

So please help me understand your strange, vegan-friendly, tree-hugging way of life. If you can suggest anything to help me cope, I’m all ears.

I just don’t think I can eat that disgusting tempeh garbage again. So that’s off the table.


– Your brother-in-law Scott