Team Deathray – Letter 4


Holy Moley! My heart’s doing triple-somersault 180’s at the thought of you becoming a true member of the “clan.” I really always liked you Scott, but let’s be honest, things have not been exactly right since you told my mother she had “the backbone of a worm with scoliosis,” when she obliged my request for seconds of her plum-rhubarb pie. I’ll refrain from delving into the biological inaccuracies of the statement but rest assured the family was at the very least slightly offended and at the very most fairly perturbed by your comment.

But enough chit-chat, let’s get to work. So, you want to be a vegan-friendly, tree-hugging hippie? You just so happen to have chosen the perfect mentor! I am EXTREMELY friendly to vegans (some may say too much so) and I’ve been known to hug a tree every now and again, usually after I’ve made some of my PCP brownies. It’s going to be a vegan-marshmallow, soy-based rocky road ahead (haha, see what I did THERE?), being carefree, loving, and addicted to hallucinogenic is not as easy as it may seem. But if you truly want to be as close to my sister as I am, you HAVE to do this. Wait, is that weird?

I’ll be shipping over some more… suitable clothes for you that I’ve had in my attic since I was fat and unaware of the magic of veganism. They may fit you differently since you’re a huge, hulking mass of sexy man, but they’ll serve their purpose for the time being. Soon you’ll make your own hemp clothes like the rest of us and you’ll at least look the part. We’ll start small with this as well as you giving up meat completely. You see, Scott, our clan is not only made up of us humans, but also a number of our animal friends. There’s Sun Beam our tabby cat, Moonbeam our Shih-Tzu, Steel Beam our donkey and Jim Beam (my dad’s name, silly him) our gold fish, just to name a few. I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate you consuming any of their cousins when there’s a perfectly good tofu replacement for them.

So I’ll see you at 9am tomorrow, bright and early, for our first yoga lessons. OH GOSHBALLS, THIS IS SO EXCITING! See you then.


The Fox Trapper – Letter 5

To my foreverfully astonishingly gorgeous Eliza,

There’s a hole in my heart that goes all the way to Savannah, Georgia. It was merely a pin-prick the early morning I bid you goodbye and left Windsor, but it has now grown to the size of Ol’ Mr. Sleepinberg’s cesspit. This void can be filled by one person and only one person, and that person is you, Eliza. All I would need to fill it is one smile from your mostly-still-intact set of teeth. I’m none too sure how long I can continue on this horrible venture, my body has grown weak from lack of proper nutrition and each day we travel further West in search of more foxes. I’m not sure how long I can stay up so late in order to save my furry friends, I fear very much for their safety.

My sole companion, Claudio, is the one thing here that keeps me sane. I’ve taught him another new trick! Whenever I poke him with what I like to call the “trick stick” and ask him “Who is the strongest, cleverest and handsomest beast in all the land?”, Claudio screams like a Harpy and bounces off the walls of his cage. What I believe he is saying is “ME! ME, YOU DAMNED VILE SCUM! I AM CLAUDIO, THE MIGHTIEST BEAST OF THEM ALL!!!” Mice are such fascinating creatures.

Eliza my dear, I’m sure what you meant to explain to your companions was that your brother Claudio was assisting me in my attempt to learn the sport of golfing. So yes, my hands were certainly on your brothers shaft, as were his own, as he pressed his thick muscular body against my back and demonstrated how to “put ones hips into it.” I’m sorry, but I do not understand people’s fascination with mine and your brother’s relationship. That is just how men who have great amounts of respect for each other act. Please explain this to your ladies so as to not have them think that Claudio and I have ever intentionally felt each others sweet caress.

My Crimpers Pelvis is still very much enflamed and the blood to urine ratio is beginning to lean more towards the blood side. I just do not trust any man here enough to have them tickle my feet for 16 minutes. I suppose I will just hope to urinate all the evil spirits out of my body, which requires a great deal of extra pushing, but I can tell there is significantly more blood leaving my body, so there is still hope.

Eliza, the thought of running away from camp has crossed my mind a number of times. If only I knew the wilderness better, I would leave now and be back in your arms within a matter of months. Alas, I am doomed to sit, wait, and complain until the time has come to return home. If only the captain allowed me to imbibe in our supply of alcohol like you do so frequently. I’m told it is for “men only,” but nowhere on the barrel do I see that label nor would it matter if that label did exist. Sometimes I just do not understand these men I must work with.

Rest assured though, my dear, that when I return I shall wed the hell out of you. I readily anticipate your reply, tell your brother that I long for his arms the width of tree trunks wrapped around me while he assists me in gripping the shaft correctly.

The golf club shaft.

With all of my unbridled love,

Your Wilbur

The Fox Trapper – Letter 3

To my loveliest Eliza,

I’d like to thank you dearly for your beautiful artwork, it has certainly brightened my mood. I tried to use it in order to gain some respect in the camp, but again I received nothing but a violent response. I displayed the picture to one of the younger gentlemen and declared, “Here! Now you see the great power and regalness of Mr. Wilbur Popbottom! I DEMAND RESPECT!” The following moments are all a blur to me now but I awoke with a number of lesions on my face and a difficulty urinating for the next couple of days. The boy may be only 13 years old, but I swear he is built like a ox-bear hybrid beast.

Eliza my dear, I am certainly not obsessed with your brother, Claudio. I certainly respect his hard-working nature, friendliness, great physical strength, firm handshake, shining smile, Sapphire blue eyes, and chiseled jaw line. However, there is a mutual respect there because Claudio truly appreciates my virtuosic harping abilities. My pet mouse merely reminds me a bit of your brother, with his unending curiosity and ability to melt my heart at one glance. Claudio (my mouse) has now learned a new trick in which he screams like a Harpy and bounces off the walls of his cage when he is hungry. I call it “The Banshee Shakes” and it is truly adorable.

Do not tell anyone of this, but I’ve taken to walking into the woods very late at night and searching for the foxes by myself. When I see one I warn it of the impending danger of the humans who are after their fluffy coats. They seem to take notice of my warnings because when I attempt to give them a “truce” handshake, they run away. I suppose they are too concerned with their lives to partake in the formalities, so I do not take offense.

Eliza, I know you are a smart woman so I am yet to be worried, but please heed my advice about indulging in spirits. You know what they say about alcohol: It’s been the cause of death for all of my grandparents, 2 of my sisters and a myriad of aunts and uncles. So, you know, be careful. It could even lead to you telling many an embarrassing story, such as the plum pudding one. You know I still have a limp from that incident.

I miss you Eliza, with all of my heart. Stay strong, for your man shall be home before you know it. Also, if you feel so inclined, tell Claudio to stay strong (which will be easy for him thanks to his bristling muscles), for his dear friend Wilbur will be home before he knows it.

With all my loving heart,


The Fox Trapper – Letter 1

My beloved Eliza,

I will be the first to admit that this expedition is far different from what I expected it to be. Who would have known from the advertisements that a “fox trapping” expedition meant that after we trapped said foxes, we murdered them and peeled off their skin!? As a strict vegetarian and all-around lover of animals, my stomach again begins to boil merely thinking about it. I assumed (apparently very naively) that we would be capturing these foxes for pets or even as trained entertainment for royalty.

The winter is coming soon and I fear it shall be harsh. Alas, with my poor financial situation and unending desire to wed you, I must push on. This, despite my vomiting every time I view one of the fox carcasses. Making matters worse is the copious amount of jesting the other men have on my behalf. Just yesterday the captain explained that my mother must have mated with a bovine to have made a man who eats nothing but grass and berries (I’d eat a bit more than that if they packed anything besides salted meats). Before I could explain that my father was, in fact, a moderately successful shoe maker the captain delivered a swift jab to my cheek, dislodging three teeth. This trip to the Western frontier has turned into a very difficult situation for myself. I certainly long to be back in Windsor, Connecticut with you.

Oh Eliza, my love, how I long for your touch. Your hair that smells of eggs, your skin as white as said eggs and your eyes as blue as your cheeks that time you choked on a piece of bread. Eliza, my dear, you are like a towering oak tree in the forest and I am a squirrel, hollowing out your insides in order to make room for my nuts and eventually my family.

Should I survive this winter (as well as survive my cohorts) I will return home and wed you like no man has wed a woman before. Then we shall start a family and I will finally pursue my dream of being a harpist in the Scotish Symphony Orchestra. There, we shall be happy.

Foreverfully yours, my love,


P.S. – I found a mouse and he is now my pet. His name is Claudio. He says hello, as well.