Political Party Animals – Letter 9

Mr. Hornsby,

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking that I would even CONSIDER going to prom with you. You’re cruel, vain, and pig-headed. Not to mention your political ideals make we want to BARF! Anyway, I already have a date to prom: Brett McGregor. He’s captain of the hockey team, he blindly listens to everything I tell him about Liberal politics and his Dad lets him drive his Mustang. All I had to do was promise to buy him cigarettes for the next 2 months. A couple packs of cigarettes for the opportunity to have every student respect me and listen to my views on politics? That’s well worth it, don’t you think?

I wouldn’t worry too much about being voted prom king, Brett and I have been hard at work promoting our bid to become prom king and queen. The Working Families flyers I’ve been handing out have a little note on the bottom encouraging the student body to not only place their vote for the Working Families (when they’re old enough), but to place their vote for Janet and Brett.

Once we win, I will give my awe-inspiring speech thanking the students for their support and encouraging them to continue their education and achieve their full potential while remaining loyal to their working class roots. I’ll then hand the mic to Brett and he’ll yell “Go Ice Dawgs!” The audience will be so moved that they may go out and register Working Families right then, which is good because the PTA set up a voter-registration booth in the foyer. Your plan will be quashed and you can go back to… whatever you were doing before you had this ridiculous idea of running for president.

See you at prom. ;-)

-Ms. Janet von Gams

Political Party Animals – Letter 3

Mr. Hornsby,

I’m not sure how you found my address, but I’ll admit that it’s a bit off-putting knowing you moved into my neighborhood specifically to exact revenge for your denial of candidacy. I do not know you very well, but I would go so far as to say that this is the most petty thing I’ve ever experienced.

As you may have found out through your discovery of my address, I am the current president of the Dorland County School District PTA. This, of course, leaves me no choice but to crush you like every other opponent from every other political party I’ve faced in the past 14 years. I have absolutely no reason to believe that the lovely people of Dorland County would wish to see a change in policy when they’ve seen a literacy increase of 12% and a 14% increase in the number of 5th grades passing their math aptitude test since I began my tenure. And I haven’t even mentioned the staggeringly profitable Bake Sales!

Although I have begun to notice your campaign posters throughout town, my constituents will surely see through your claim that “Town factory productivity will increase 15 fold” if you are elected PTA president. Yes, I’ve noticed your posters popping up throughout the town. Maybe you misunderstand the role of PTA president like you misunderstood the Working Families Party. The PTA president is in charge of the schools, not our lovely wicker basket factories.

I urge you not to continue to waste money on your campaign and save it to achieve a college degree in somthing other than politics. This is clearly a battle that can not be won, Mr. Hornsby.

Krystine Markowitz

Political Party Animals – Letter 1

Mr. Hornsby,

Please consider this letter an official rejection of application. We will not be considering you for the United States Presidential candidate for the Working Families Party. We thank you for your interest, but we will be searching for our candidate elsewhere.

There are a handful of reasons why your application was rejected. The main issue is your fundamental misunderstanding of our party’s beliefs. The Working Families Party’s main focus (as our website clearly explains) is to help create a more just world. A world “where politicians are held accountable to working people, instead of big-money backers.” A world “where all of us, no matter where we come from, can find a good job, get healthcare when we need it, afford a home, send our kids to good schools, and have a secure retirement.” Not, as you said in your application letter, to “put those lazy bastards back to work to sweat for the Mother-Land.”

Your campaign slogan, “The Late 1800’s Were Right,” further shows that, if you were to be running for office, you would most likely be the exact opposite of what our party is looking for in terms of appropriate candidates. I am also fairly appalled by the other slogan you included: “Children have gotten off too easy for too long, use their tiny hands to fix machinery.” At this point, Mr. Hornsby, I’m not sure if you’re joking with us or if you’re just a terrible, terrible person.

In case you have not figured this out yet, “The Working Families Party” supports the advancement of working families. We do not, as you apparently believe, wish to “turn families into mini slave-clusters.”

Please refrain from contacting us in the future. We do not wish to find out what kind of human you actually are.

Krystine Markowitz